Recently, a friend and colleague of mine, Francesca Gentille, clinical sexologist/relationship counselor, has brought to my attention an inspiring tale about how lovers can help to bring forth the best in one another. It is in complete alignment with my belief that we do have the power to transform one another’s lives when we truly see and reflect the inner radiance beneath the wounds, pain, anger and confusion that we all hold within our vulnerable being.

Says Francesca: “To the sacred lover there is a magical journey of ‘believing forth’ the best in another. The lover sees, feels, & experiences how wonderful the object of his or her affection is so deeply that the beloved is released from the spell of the wounds of their own worthlessness. The beloved becomes, what appeared to be hidden: the best within him or herself.

Below is an excerpt from Patrick Rothfuss The Name of the Wind. It is an intriguingly well written depiction of the process of the Daka/Dakini, Priest/ess of Love, Sacred Courtesan, Divine Beloved, and Shaman of Eros”

Editor’s Note: Since I found the quaint, odd names in the story rather distracting, I’m going to paraphrase, so that the idea of the tale and it’s philosophy are emphasized.

Here: A story teller begins a tale about a king who sells his crown to a poor orphan boy

Wearing the crown, the boy is inspired to becomes a better king than the original. Later, a poor,country woman called a goosegirl dresses like a countess and everyone is stunned by her grace & charm. The story teller goes on to explain: “You see, there’s a fundamental connection between SEEMING and BEING. We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.

The listener replies: . “That’s basic psychology. You dress a beggar in fine clothes, people treat him like a noble, and he lives up to the expectations.”

“That’s only the smallest piece of it,” the story teller replies. “The Truth is deeper than that..”

The listener adds, “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

The story teller frowns, but the listener makes a new discovery and adds,
“I’ve got it now. You meet a girl: shy, unassuming. If you tell her she’s beautiful, she’ll think you are sweet, but she won’t believe you. She knows that beauty lies in your beholding. And sometimes that’s enough.” 

The listener then realizes there’s an even better way:  “You SHOW her she is beautiful. You make mirrors of your eyes, prayers of your hands against her body. It is hard, very hard, but when she truly believes you. -. suddenly the negative story she tells herself in her own head changes. She transforms. She isn’t SEEN as beautiful. She is beautiful, SEEN,”

We can not save, heal, change nor fix another. We can believe. We can collaborate with the radiance of their own spirit.

May your authentic soul bring transformation to our world,.”       Amen!

In an interview I did recently with Francesca Gentille,  Clinical Sexologist,  Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator, she spoke with me about the power of blessing your partner’s body.  Since sensual words are often used in these sacred rituals,  I thought it would be an ideal subject for my Words for Lovers blog.

Having both experienced and initiated some of these rituals, myself, I can honestly say that they are both arousing and healing.   Healing, because so many of us have issues with our bodies – fears that we’re too flabby or too scrawny, that certain body parts are too small, too large, not well toned, etc., etc.   So it can be truly soothing, reassuring and healing when our partner is using words to bless those very parts that we perceive as less than appealing.  Conversely, it can feel  most fulfilling to offer our lover a similar blessing

The body blessing that Francesca described in our interview is called “The Five-fold Kiss”.  It’s derived from a Celtic earth-based spiritual practice and can be done standing or lying on the floor, a mat or the bed.   I’ll first go over the ancient ritual as Francesca described it, and then add my own modernized adaptation.

As Francesca explains:  “The partner who is giving the blessing begins by kneeling at his/her lover’s feet.   As you kneel, imagine that his or her body is an alter, a place of scared worship.

You say the words, ‘Blessed be your feet that will walk the sacred way’,.  And then slowly kiss them.  As you move up your partner’s body, you give a verbal blessing, followed by a slow kiss.

The next area in the Five-fold Kiss is the knees. The blessing is:  ‘Blessed be your knees that will kneel at the sacred alter.’  (The “sacred alter” described here is your body.)

The next area is the genitals, and the blessing is ‘Blessed be your phallus (or yoni), without which we would not be.’  (the source of conception and birth, of course)

Next is the heart area, with ‘Blessed be your chest (or breasts) for holding your courage and compassion. ‘

And finally, you bless your lover’s lips with ‘Blessed be your lips that shall speak the sacred name.’   (The name implied is yours – the name of your partner’s beloved.)”

In using the Five-fold Kiss, you can be quite creative, and speak words that more accurately express your appreciation of your lover’s body.  And you don’t have to limit it to a five- fold kiss.  You can just as easily bless other parts of the body as well – perhaps the hands, arms, neck, forehead or even the belly button!

Here are some ideas that I came up with for a ten-fold kissing ritual, one that uses more secular language than the old Celtic ritual.:  ( Remember, before using the words, to first take in the  part of your lover’s body you are blessing with your eyes and your heart.  And when you slowly kiss that part, make sure you are fully present and there for him/her,  so that your partner feels that delicious energetic connection.)

Blessed be your feet for walking life’s path with courage and dignity.
Blessed be your knees for keeping you flexible and open to change.
Blessed be your phallus (or yoni) for creating such exquisite pleasure and joy
Blessed be your chest/breast for holding your compassionate heart.
Blessed be your shoulders for offering solace and support
Blessed be your arms for enfolding and holding those you love.
Blessed be your hands for their healing touch
Blessed be your lips for the words that speak your truth
Blessed be your eyes for their vision of a better world
Blessed be your crown (top of head),  your energetic link to higher consciousness (or interconnection with all living things)

Then stand, take in your partner’s entire body and silently adore him/her. ending the ritual with:
Blessed be your body for serving as a sacred container for your radiant being.

Then, if you wish, reverse roles, so that you have the opportunity to experience how it feels to receive a body blessing from your lover.   If you don’t feel aligned with the words used in the Five-fold or Ten-fold Kiss described here,  create a ritual of your own, using words that best express the ways that you appreciate your lover’s body.

You can receive more tips on how to appreciate your partner’s body with words in my newly revised book (now also available as an e-book),  The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, and in my e-manual, Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac: Sensual Suggestions and Romantic Enticements

Many blessings,

Bonnie Gabriel

While many of my blog posts have covered some of the ways you can increase your skill and artistry in the active mode of speaking erotically,  it is just as important to develop your skill in the receptive mode of erotic listening.

As I describe in my book THE FINE ART OF EROTIC TALK, “While taking a warm shower have you ever closed your eyes and just concentrated on the feel of the soothing water on your skin?  Sensual listening involves a similar disposition – a relaxed, yet focused awareness of the way your lover’s words (and the sound of his or her voice) affect your body, your heart and your soul.”     In such a state, your lover’s words can begin to feel like erotic caresses.  But how do you get there?     Well, here is an exercise that can help you to more finely tune your sensual listening skills.

(For this exercise it will be helpful to have a favorite erotic novel, sensual poem or sultry song.   If you have nothing available, you may use the erotic poetry in my recent blogs:  Erotic Troubadours, Part 1 and Part 2.  (Click on link.)   Or you may wish to read from my e-manual, Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac: Sensual Suggestions and Romantic Enticements. If you do not have a copy of this publication, you can acquire one ($12) by clicking on the title link.

Exercise:  WHOLE BODY LISTENING

Sit opposite your beloved on a comfortable chair, pillow or backjack.   Sink into the support of the ground, your chair/pillow, bringing your awareness into the areas of your body that need release, just noticing and accepting whatever sensations are there. See if you can hold the attitude of a curious explorer, simply noticing what’s there without attempting to alter it in any way.  Allow yourself to listen to your lover’s voice with that same attitude of discovery.

Now, ask your partner to read to you from the piece of literature that you have mutually agreed upon, or, if easeful,  to sing – from a grounded place deep within his or her body.

Close your eyes and allow those words and sounds to flow over your skin like sensuous massage oil, onto your tongue like melted chocolate, and through your body like warm honey.

Notice the kinds of feelings these words and sounds evoke within you.  Perhaps you feel a tingle, a rush of warmth, a flood of emotion?  Whatever they are, relax and enjoy them.  Also notice where you experience these delicious sensations – on the surface of your skin, in your heart,  your tummy, your genitals – or all over?   And do they move from one area to another or do they fill all parts of you at once?

Now imagine that the auditory nerves in your ears – that allow you to take in sounds – have been regenerated all over your entire body – so that you can actually hear through your skin.  First take in the sounds between your toes, then between your fingers.  Try listening with the area behind your knees, or the bend in your elbows.  Now imagine that the sound is coming through the small of your back, the nape of your neck, the palms of your hands.  Now let the sounds penetrate the skin of your chest and enter your heart.  Continue to take in these luscious sounds through your abdomen, your thighs, your genitals.  As you listen through these new auditory nerves, notice how and in which part of your body they affect you most. In some parts they may sooth and relax you, while in others they stir and excite you.   Whatever their impact, just notice and enjoy.

At some point you may wish to reverse roles with your partner so that each of you has the experience of being both giver and receiver.  Afterwards, it can be helpful to give each other feedback on what was especially pleasurable.  Or if you noticed some things that didn’t work for you, see if you can envision what it would take to change the exercise so that it would work for you.  Once you’re clear, then share that image.  Perhaps you would like your partner to speak more slowly, softly or in a lower register of his or her voice.  Whatever your concern, your partner will most likely be able to take it in more graciously, if you first acknowledge him or her for the parts that did work for you.

In a future blog post I will be discussing ways to deepen your partner’s pleasure in erotic listening by learning and using his or her “primary processing mode”.

Note:  If you have feedback or questions,  you may leave your comments on this blog, or send me an email at:  wordsforlovers@gmail.com

In this post, we continue with part 4 of the edited transcript of an interview I gave on a recent net radio program.  It’s called Sex: Tantra and Kama Sutra, hosted by Francesca Gentille, Director & Founder: THE LIFEDANCE CENTER.

If you haven’t yet read Part 1 simply click on this link: Talk Sacred to Me, Baby – Part 1. It covers many different aspects of erotic communication, including overcoming shyness, gently introducing erotic talk into a new relationship, how to use words to match your partner’s preferred sensory mode- auditory, visual or kinesthetic and more.  And, if you missed part 2, you can access it here:  Talk Sacred to Me Baby – 2, which discusses how to use words to attract a new partner and to deepen the sensual bond with your beloved. If you’ve not read Part 3,  just click on these words: “3 – Sharing Erotic Fantasies” to access that post.  In it we discuss the art of creating a safe, loving space for sharing your wildest and, perhaps, kinkiest fantasies with your lover.

FG:  You also discuss in your book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, something you call “erotic communion, words that involve the sacred and devotional aspects of making love. Can you say a little about that?

BG :  Absolutely, I think it’s important to bring the sacred into the physical, so that these energies become integrated and intertwined.  It’s a space in which you feel like you’re whole being is now deeply connecting with your partner. Again, I devote an entire chapter to the words you can use to express these feelings of “erotic communion”. An example might be, “When you love me like this I feel as if my spirit is wrapped around your soul” or “I am honored by the way you open your body to me so completely.”

FG :  You’re so perfectly tantric. In fact, that is so much the beginning of what might be a tantric ritual for a couple, where they would sit on the bed together and just share words of appreciation of one another while slowly caressing. Or they might just sit in the lotus position, where the man and the woman are seated in front of one another.  It’s a position in which woman has her legs wrapped around the man and he has his legs underneath her.  Sometimes it help to have the woman on a pillow as well so all the pressure isn’t on his legs. It’s a wonderful way to start the tantric sexual encounter, which is often slower than a typical sexual pairing.   It allows you to really savor the energy and deepen into the heart connection, awakening all the senses. So when you finally get to intercourse and orgasm you feel it through your entire body.

BG:  Beautiful.

FG:  So those kinds of phrases are perfect, and one of the things I often will also include with my beloved phrases that, we don’t hear very often.   I might say “Your phallus is the life giving force,” while I’m caressing it.  Or, “your phallus is the sea bearer, “without which life would not be.”.  Many men in our culture have gotten very conflicted and negative images and expectations about their phallus – that it’s suppose to be strong and powerful and hard all the time. Of course, that’s ridiculous, because of course it can’t be.  And also they get more negativity with words like, Don’t be such a “cock” or “dick”.  Certainly those words can turn us on and our beloved may like them we can use them. But because they’re often negative words in the culture, it’s sometimes fun or exploratory to use some other words like “phallus”.

BG :  Exactly, I have a whole list of words that I use in my book to describe our genitals and different forms of lovemaking. Some of them are humorous, some tender, some bawdy. I advise couples to try them out with their partner. Use them in a sentence because, hearing words like “dick” and “peter”, for some men, such words may be associated with men whose names are Dick and Peter – and it’s not a turn on.  And words like “prick” and “cunt” are also used to insult and verbally abuse people, so they may bring up emotional wounds when used in a lovemaking context.  But there are so many other words that you can use to play with.  Some of them are really kind of comical like “John Thomas”,  “skin flute,” “trouser snake”; or for a woman there’s “pleasure cove”, “jelly roll”–that sounds delicious [laughs] – and for men, “sugar stick.”

FG:  Yes and you can use such words even when you’re not physically together.  My beloved has phoned me to say:, “Tonight I hope I dream about your fragrant orchid.” [laughs]…

B :   Beautiful.

BG :  And I’ve also heard the expressions,  your “love purse” and your “beauty spot.”

FG :  I love that you’re bringing up these words that imply that fun is sacred and the sacred is fun. The joy is to be free to experiment and ask one another “How does it feel in your body if I call your genitals this or that?”

BG :  Exactly. It’s important to tune into the way such erotic phrases land in your heart, your mind and your pelvis. Your body knows what it wants, craves and needs.

FG :  There really isn’t a right or a wrong.

Bonnie Gabriel :  No.  It’s what makes us feel joyful, alive and passionate.

FG :  What’s important is that we choose words that allow us to feel more connected, more aroused, and in tantra and sacred sexuality, connected both genitally and in our hearts.

BG :  Precisely.

FG:  Bonnie, I just want to thank you so much for coming on our show today and giving us such important guidance in using words to enhance our lovemaking. And thank you for joining us on Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra, where we bring you the soul of sex.

In this post, we continue with part 3 of the edited transcript of an interview I gave on a recent net radio program.  It’s  called Sex: Tantra & Kama Sutra,  hosted by Francesca Gentille, Director & Founder:  THE LIFEDANCE CENTER for Integrative Arts ,   Clinical Sexologist,  Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator.   If you haven’t yet read Part 1 simply click on this link:
Talk Sacred to Me, Baby – Part 1.  It covers many different aspects of erotic communication, including preferred sensory modes – auditory, visual, kinesthetic   And, if you missed part 2: You can access it here:  Talk Sacred to Me Baby – Part 2.

Frabcesca Gentille: : When you talk about the many ways we can use our wild imaginations to enhance our lovemaking, -  I have a sense of what erotic fantasy and maybe even erotic power play is.  So let’s  just touch on those before we get into other ones that I think people know less about.
Would you be willing to give some examples from your own life?

Bonnie Gabriel: About erotic fantasizing?  Well, definitely.  I’ve always had a very rich fantasy life. One of my biggest fantasies, that I’ve  has since I was in my early teens, is being abducted by a pirate and having him have his way with me on the pirate ship, right on the deck of the ship, ripping my clothes off, like one of those romance novels that I read as a kid.  When I later shared that fantasy with my lover, he was all too happy to create a role play around it.  He put on an eye patch and one earring, and calling me his “wench” as he ripped off my nightgown off and tied me to the bedpost.  I knew him well and completely trusted him, so I knew he wouldn’t actually hurt me.. It was just so much fun, so playful and, yet, very hot.

But, as I say in my book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, the fantasy path in lovemaking is one that people need to tread very gently. That’s  because many of our fantasies have a taboo aspect to them and, if they were to be acted out in real life, could create serious consequences for people. But as long as they stay in the fantasy realm, shared between two consenting adults, I see no reason to inhibit them.,  In fact it’s healthy to be able to bring those hidden aspects of our psyches into the light with a loving and compassionate partner. . So, in my book I talk about creating a safety net with words , so that you can share those fantasies in ways that create an atmosphere of  trust.  It involves holding your partner’s imagination with innocent curiosity – not judging or making them wrong, even if the fantasy is not appealing to you.  It simply comes from different life experiences, different needs..

FG:  I’d love to talk more about how we create that erotic safety net and literally the words that we use and  the question that we might ask to set it up to create that safety net before we actually share the fantasy, I think that’s so important. -  after we come back from a break and a word from our sponsors.

FG:  Welcome back to Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra, bringing you the soul of sex, talking with Bonnie Gabriel who is the author of  “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk.” Bonnie, you were talking about that safety net.

BG : Yes, it’s very important to hold a non-judgmental attitude,  no matter what your partner shares with you.  And if what he or she shares makes you feel uncomfortable,  to acknowledge that discomfort in a compassionate way.  For example, you might say something like “You know, when you describe that scene that turns you on, it upsets me because I was taught it’s wrong to even think about having sex with a nun or a priest”…..or an animal”,  or whatever [and you might add  “it may take me a while to get use to this, so please be patient.”  In other words,  if you  take responsibility for your own reaction, instead of blaming or criticizing your partner, it creates an atmosphere in which both of you can be honest, open and vulnerable – the essential ingredients to building connection and intimacy.

FG: Not saying "Oh that's so sick!"

FG : Exactly

FG : And if I'm the person who wants to reveal one of my fantasies to my beloved and I'm a little nervous because I think of it as a little kinky or a little taboo—when  would I introduce it……..I wouldn't want to just, in the middle of intercourse and say, right now I want you to imagine that you’re being ravaged by Goths…….

BG : No!    It’s best to introduce such a fantasy before you start making love.  Maybe sit on the bed or the floor facing each other, maybe touching each other’s knee – to create calming physical contact.  Then you could say, “You know, there's something I want to share with you and it has to do with a fantasy that really turns me on.  I'm feeling a little scared and hesitant because it's kind of a taboo subject.  But it's something that gets me very excited.  It’s not something I would ever do in real life,  but , if it feels right for you, I’d love to use it in our lovemaking.    If your partner acknowledges that he or she is ready to hear it and to hold it in a caring, non-judgemental manner, then begin to share your fantasy.

If this feels to risky or uncomfortable for you, then I advise you to test the water, so to speak, by sharing what would be one of your least taboo or kinky fantasies   Actually, when I wrote my book, I did a survey about the most common sexual fantasies.  Would you like to know what they are?

FG: Please!

BG: Okay. Number one was having sex in a public place where people have the possibility of being seen by others.  Another was having sex with more than one or a multitude of partners. The third was having sex in a place in which there’s a risk of getting caught, so that sort of goes with number one. Another one that doesn't sound terribly daring to me, but it was among the top five, was  having sex out in nature or some other appealing setting.

Another very common fantasy is being sexually taken, possessed or dominated, or, conversely,  being in complete sexual control of a partner. (Of course it’s the basis of  S&M and B&D in which partners actually role play such power dynamics.  Yet, even among lovers who don’t actually use whips, paddles, ropes, etc., there are many who use verbal expressions of dominance and surrender.  I devoted an entire chapter of my book to this subject.

Those are the most common. And then there are the less common fantasies, lower on the list., which are the to probably reveal later, after you learn to build that emotional safety net of  trust  and compassion that I just shared..

FG: That's a great idea, to start with the fantasies that are more common.  Thank you for letting us know what they are, so there’s a good chance that our beloved may also share them or find them, as you said, less shocking, or less frightening.  And I like your idea of talking about it outside the bedroom.  And lettng your beloved know, “These are the kinds of fantasies I might want to share, I might want to share a fantasy about multiple partners, I might want to share a fantasy about being tied up or being taken while we're making love, “how does that sound?” or “what would be delicious to you?”  Then I've prepped it for the next time we're in bed.

This is  similar to something that my beloved and I would do, which is storytelling, where sometimes I'd say, “Do you want to hear a story?” and I would be stroking his body and would be caressing his phallus,  and then I would say,  "Once upon a time, there was a handsome man with wonderful eyes" and I would kind of describe him, "who was walking through the woods when he saw a tree that looked like a woman, and the areola of the nipple was the circle of the tree and her limbs were brown".  And then I would tell this whole story and how he would come to this woman who was a tree and he would feel the green energy and the scent of her nature enfolding him, and while I was stroking him, and…..--is that a form of sharing things?

BG : Absolutely! I call that “become an erotic troubadour”.  I even tell people if you're going to either read an erotic story or erotic poetry, to caress your partner while you're doing it, or have your partner caress you, because if your partner is touching you, it will put you into that very sensual mood and it will come through your voice and make your voice even more exciting to your partner.

Iif my partner is an artist  or an art lover,  I use one like "if I were an artist and you were my canvas, I'd use a very fine delicate brush to paint golden ripples around your soft, supple flesh like this," or,  "I’m slowly painting bright orange and black tiger stripes along your magnificent phallus like this..." [laughs] So you can tailor it to the talents and interests of your partner.

FG: Oooh, that sounds very fun and very delicious!

BG : Another fun fantasy is if you reverse gender roles and you, the woman now plays the man and vice versa. You make love to him all thrusting and he makes love to you all yielding and opening, and you get to experience what that would feel like.

FG : Oh, you’re giving us some great ideas, Bonnie, I love this, I can hardly wait until I see my beloved the next time!  [laughs].

To be continued……………………….

In this post, we continue with the second part of the edited transcript of an interview I gave on a recent net radio program.  It’s  called Tantra & Kama Sutra, hosted by Francesca Gentille, Director & Founder:  THE LIFEDANCE CENTER for Integrative Arts ,   Clinical Sexologist,  Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator.   If you haven’t yet read part one simply click on this link: Talk Sacred to Me, Baby – Part 1. It covers many different aspects of erotic communication, including preferred sensory modes – auditory, visual, kinesthetic, olfactory(smell) and gustatory (taste).

Francesca Gentille:   Welcome back to Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra, bringing you the soul of sex.  Today we are talking with Bonnie Gabriel, author of The Fine Art of Erotic Talk , the pillow talk professor , who also has an MA in counseling psychology.

Bonnie, we were just talking about some of those steps to to bring this kind of talk into a new and an ongoing relationship.  Then,  I want us to go a little deeper into that list that you gave us in the beginning about sensual feedback, erotic nurturing, erotic fantasy, erotic power play, erotic devotion and communing. Could you give us some more of your great advice.

Bonnie Gabriel:  Absolutely.  For people who are just beginning to date, even in the early stages of dating, there are ways to sensualize your conversation to start to create a sense of  connection and stir the erotic energy between both of you.  There are two steps to it–one of them has to do with validation and appreciation, but it’s the expression of that appreciation that makes a difference.

For example, if you really think your partner has beautiful eyes or beautiful hair, the typical thing you’d probably say is “oh you have gorgeous eyes.” Well, if you want to make it more personal, instead of saying “You have gorgeous eyes,” you say “I love your eyes,” because when you use the I word, it’s opening up your heart chakra and inviting a closer connection with this potential new lover.

And,  once you feel comfortable and connected, you can intensify this energetic connection by letting him or her know how this attractive quality affects you.  So instead of “I love your eyes” you might say,  “When you look at me like that, I just melt.” So again, letting them know how they impact you personally is very important.

You can also sensualize your attraction, by using words that invoke sensory stimulation.  For example -  using the sense of smell –The usual comment to a nice smelling cologne might me,  “Mmm, that’s a great perfume”.  To personalize it you would say, “I love your perfume, but to sensualize it – you’d use a word alluding to the sense being stimulated and say something like  “Mmm, I love your scent, I could breathe you in like this all night”..

FG :  I really love that there’s such a difference.   As you’re saying each one, it’s a deeper and deeper level of the sensual and the erotic, and I imagine, that once in a relationship, we can go even deeper and say, “when I breathe your scent, my labia gets wet.”

BG:    Absolutely! “I get all wet when you……you can let them know just how powerful that impact is on you.  And even if you’re out on the dance floor— you can replace the typical “you’re a great dancer”  with the more personal” “I love the way you dance,” or  the more sensual “I love the way that I feel in your arms” or, “I get so hot when you hold me like that.” So you can use this sexy sensual approach even in public.

FG:   Woo hoo!  Although these are  raging generalities, in general, men like to hear more of the graphic, sexual erotics.  So if I were to say  “When you look at me like that, my nipples get hard and my labia lips get wet and I can hardly wait to go home and rip off your clothes”,  that my beloved might really enjoy hearing that,.it would really excite him.   But I might enjoy hearing “When you look at me like that, my heart opens and I just feel like I’m with the woman I was always meant to be with , the woman I’ve always dreamed of.”

I’d imagine many women are like me, they want to hear from their man what it is that opens his heart, what it is that inspires his love, while a man often wants to hear what opens our erotic nature, what inspires us to be sexual.

BG:   That’s such a good point, I’m so glad you said that.  It’s certainly true in my experience also. So I think we need to really let our partner know that and have them let us know what turns them on, respecting that there are differences there and honoring them.  And if we can give to each other in the way that each of us  needs to be given to,  that’s very important.

FG:   Yes, that’s true. And when I said that they are generalities, I think it’s important to be aware that there are exceptions.  There certainly are women who like to hear more graphic terms, “when I look at you like that, my penis gets hard or my cock just swells.” There are some women who would love to hear that and some who wouldn’t.

BG :   Well, you know, for many women, and for me, too,  it depends on how aroused you are.   If you’re feeling just a little bit romantic and your sexual juices aren’t quite flowing yet, then I think most women like to hear words expressing more of the heart energy.  Once that arousal is really high, then we may enjoy hearing the more graphic.  So I think it depends on that continuum.

FG:   You bring up a good point.  You know this all  relates to tantra, because in tantra, it’s believed that the man’s sexual energy starts in the genitalia;  it starts in the phallus, and then it moves up to the heart.   In contrast,  a woman’s sexual energy starts in the heart and then moves down to her genitals.  So if a man wants a woman to arouse, he would speak to her heart;  he would speak to her with words of love and romance.  And if a woman wants a man to feel love and connected with her, she would speak to his erotic nature.

BG:   Very true.  If I write a sequel to my book I’m going to include that. [laughs]

Coming soon:  Talk Sacred to Me, Baby – Part 3 – including erotic fantasies, talking dirty -tailoring graphic sex talk to your partner’s preferences and sensibilities,  creating erotic communion and weaving an” erotic safety net” with words.

In this blog post we continue to celebrate the bards of both blissful and bawdy love poems, especially those who combine elements of the sacred with the profane.   If you enjoy erotic poetry, and missed part one of this post,  you may  read it by clicking on this link:    Erotic Troubadours – Part 1.

Why not share your favorites with your Valentine?  Who knows what wondrous delights these delicious words may inspire…………

Come

By Selene Steese

Come kiss me in the hot, green morning.
Let lust grow between us like the sprouting
of tender shoots after the earth nurses
at the nipple of the sky.

Come lay hands on me, and don’t be shy.
Put into your fingertips all of your wanting.
Let me feel your need in every pucker, whorl,
and ridge of skin.

Come slip inside me, where you have always been.
Sing to me your melody of grunts and sighs,
coos and cries. Of laughter, full and soft
and unashamed.

Come ride me to where the setting sun, aflame,
sinks into the blue-black ocean, yet the fire
remains–crackles, singes, scorches you almost
to the brink of pain. Brings you and brings you
and brings you up and down and up and down
and up again.

Come.

Chalice

By Bill Noble

Let me drink from that chalice
of such wondrous design
as I lovingly hold it
my mouth filled with your wine
a sacrament to love’s grace

ambrosia, so sweet and rare
let me be transformed by it
loves alchemy, dross to gold
let me drink of it deeply

I want to kiss the pink pearl…
that adorns its, delicate rim
to polish it till it glows
a labor of love, freely given

such a quest to find it
the grail of my heart
a  treasure to fill my dreams
elusive goal, that consumes me

let me worship the goddess
at the altar tween your thighs
on my knees, sweet surrender
to a force so divine

let me be love’s servant
bearer of the message of desire
to whisper my prayers to her
to burn with celestial fire

Let’s Have Sex

(From a reader.  Name withheld at her request)

Stormy, darky, stifling, scary…sex
Sunny, swelty, melty, sweaty…sex
Hungry, fraying, drained, fragile…sex
Sleepy, softy, comfy, cozy…sex
Smooth, vigorous, flexing, budding…sex
Frailty, wrinkly, fading, worn…sex
Angry, faulty, grasping, searing…sex
Intimate, coupled, synched, obliging…sex

I’m writing poems on you

By Lenore Kandel

I’m writing poems on you
All these kisses small bites my hands on you
My tongue tracing starfish on your skin
That’s what I’m doing
I’ve hardly begun
There’s a history of springtime I want to lick across your groin
A sparrow song behind your left ear
Dawn on a mountain across your toes
My cunt is lined with love songs
And I’m scrawling valentines along your cock
It feels so good right now to be a woman, to be a poet
Wait! I’ll tell you about it all the way up your spine.

Ever wish you had a sexier voice – one that is deep, rich and mellow?  Well, guess what?  Even if you think your voice is thin, flat, or squeaky, there is much you can do to make it more sexually appealing.    In a moment I’ll give you some simple exercises to do just that.

Meanwhile, if you’re confident in your sultry,  dulcet tones, and have no need to improve the sound of your voice, then scroll down past these exercises and check out our “Sexy Voice Survey”

Meanwhile, for those of you who do wish to sensualize the way you sound when you speak,  here are a couple of simple exercises:

1. LOWER YOUR PITCH A more deeply pitched voice usually signals to the listener that the speaker is relaxed, comfortable, connected to his/her body, and sexually assured.  Conversely, a more highly pitched voice often suggests that the speaker is apprehensive, disconnected from his/her body and sexually insecure.  So, if you’d like to deepen your voice try the following exercises from my book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk

Exercise: Humming:  Hum a musical scale in descending order (from high to low).  Keep the hum sound resonating in the facial  or vocal “mask” the area around your nose and upper lip. (This helps to maximize voice quality.)  Now, hum a scale in descending order, again, but this time focus on your body.  As you go down the scale you will feel some of the vibrations move from your head area into your chest.    When that starts to happen, stop and notice the pitch you are humming on.   Begin to speak on that pitch, as if you were singing a song with one repetitive note.  Use that as your reference note, and see if you can now talk naturally, and with expression, from this new
lowered starting pitch in your voice.

2.  CREATE RESONANCE A resonant voice is one that is rich in overtones.  It’s the kind of full bodied sound you often hear in radio and TV announcers.  The vibrations in a resonant voice can actually create a calming, relaxing effect in the listener.   Combined with appropriate pitch and expression,  such a voice can also elicit sensual feelings in those who hear it.  The magic ingredient in creating a resonant sound is vocal placement or focus.  This means speaking in such a manner that the sound of your voice is amplified into the vocal mask.  (See the exercise above for a description of the mask.)    Here’s an exercise to help place your voice in that resonating area:

Exercise: Vibrating consonants:  To activate the resonators in the mask, sing the word “bumble bee” up and down the scale.  Stress the consonants “b” and “m” and keep the “u” vowel short.   If you do this properly, it should tickle your lips!   If you don’t like to sing or have trouble maintaining pitch, then can simply repeat “bumble bee’ by starting in your lower register (without worrying about pitch), then going to your middle register and then your mid-high range.  (Don’t strain your voice by going uncomfortably high.)       A variation:   Instead of “bumble bee”,   you can use more sensual expressions like “be my baby” or “come to me”.  Just make sure you emphasize the consonants and keep the vowels short.

You’ll find many more exercises on creating a sensual voice in The Fine Art of Erotic Talk:  How to Entice, Excite and Enchant Your Lover with Words.

_____________________________________________________________

SEXY VOICE SURVEY

And while we’re on the topic of sensual voices – and to celebrate Valentine’s Day – I’ve decided to conduct a Sexy Voice Survey:

What celebrities – actors/singers/newscasters/hosts from stage, screen, radio and television  – male and female -  do you think have the sexiest voices?

To cast your vote:  Please fill out or copy and paste the form below and send it to me by February  7th to:    wordsforlovers@gmail.com
—————————————————————————————-

Survey:   Sexy Voices  (list no more than 3 in each category)

Men under 40:

Women under 40:

Men over 40:

Women over 40:

Men no longer with us:

Women no longer with us:

Thank you,

Bonnie Gabriel

Erotic poetry comes in many permutations – from the sweet and lyrical to the raw and raunchy.     My favorite erotic poems combine these elements, intermingling the reverent with the lascivious, the sacred with the carnal.

Here are four poems from my favorite erotic balladeers that express this interplay with exquisite artistry.   If you click on the name of each of these divine minstrels of love and lust, you will access their website.

Note:  In future blog posts, I’ll be giving you tips on how to become an erotic troubadour,  yourself – even if you don’t consider yourself a poet or a master of the spoken word.   It’s easier than you think!   Meanwhile, use these stunning examples to ignite your fire.  And,  if you have a lover, do share them with him or her.   It may inspire you to to new depths of passion and intimacy.

To Whom It May Concern

by David Steinberg

I will open you
petal by petal
taking all the time in the world.
I will build with you a slow fire
stick by stick
and watch the color of your sunrise.
I will play with the wind of you,
cover your body with smiles and games,
promises and fantasies that disappear
without a trace.
I will stir your secret core,
witches’ brew of potions and incantations
and feel you simmering, rolling
floating in my hand.
I will fill you slowly up,
every crevice and curve,
watch feel hear smell taste you
growing full.

And when every part of you is one,
when you are saturated, suspended,
water trembling over the brim,
I will ride with you over the falls
drown with you
disappear all boundaries
tumble over and over
and over and over
until there is only the spinning dizzy
dance beyond dancing
and the great wave crashing to bits
everything, leaving us
strewn with the seaweed
in the sand and the sun
to dry.

Poetry’s My Lover

by Selene Steese

I dress for my lover
in lace draped across
the curve of my hip.

I slip into raw silk
feeling as though
I am clothed only
in my lover’s soft kisses.

Just a few words from Poetry
shiver through me
from scalp to toes
from knees to nose
from nether mouth
to nipples.

Poetry drops into me
and ripples, ripples, ripples.

I don’t have a G spot.
I have an ink spot
and Poetry knows exactly
where it is.

Nobody loves me
like Poetry.

Even though I am only one
of Poetry’s hundred million lovers,
I know what we have
is special.

We do an oh-so-slow
bump and grind
until we’re both about
to lose our minds–
until we’re lying,
perspiring, spent
arms and legs entwined,
still seeking that dry silk
friction of skin
on skin.

Poetry’s my lover
and Poetry comes to me
in the backseats of hansom cabs
underneath tables
in Chinese restaurants
riding bareback
down a country lane.

I don’t care what anybody says–
I do it right out in the open with Poetry.

When it comes to loving Poetry,
what I know is this:
when Poetry’s inside me,
every molecule sings
and each cell writhes
in bliss.

Pink Orchid

by William Ira  Boucher

pink orchid of love
fragrant flower so rare
of desire’s full bloom
nestled in that glade
below your mossy rise

my tongue, a hummingbird
hungry for passions nectar
hovering above you, wanting
to drink so deep, and long
till my thirst is quenched

my hungry heart is filled
but for a short blissful time
then hungry again, takes wing
to drink deeply of you again
sweet pink orchid of desire

God/Love Poem

by Lenore Kandel

there are no ways of love but / beautiful /
I love you all of them
I love you / your cock in my hands
stirs like a bird
in my fingers
as you swell and grow hard in my hand
forcing my fingers open
with your rigid strength
you are beautiful / you are beautiful
you are a hundred times beautiful
I stroke you with my loving hands
pink-nailed long fingers
I caress you
I adore you
my finger-tips…   my palms…
your cock rises and throbs in my hands
a revelation / as Aphrodite knew it

there was a time when gods were purer
/ I can recall nights among the honeysuckle
our juices sweeter than honey
/ we were the temple and the god entire/

I am naked against you
and I put my mouth on you            slowly
I have longing to kiss you
and my tongue makes worship on you
you are beautiful

your body moves to me
flesh to flesh
skin sliding over golden skin
as mine to yours
my mouth            my tongue    my hands
my belly and my legs
against your mouth   your love
sliding…sliding…
our bodies move and join
unbearably

your face above me
is the face of all the gods
and beautiful demons
your eyes…

love touches love
the temple and the god
are one

To start the New Year, I thought you might enjoy reading the transcript of an interview I gave on  a net radio program  called Tantra & Kama Sutra,  hosted by Francesca Gentille, Director & Founder:  THE LIFEDANCE CENTER for Integrative Arts ,   Clinical Sexologist,  Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator.   It covers many different aspects of erotic communication, including preferred sensory modes – auditory, visual, kinesthetic (touch and movement), etc. and how to gently introduce the practice to a mostly non-verbal lover.

Francesca Gentille:  Welcome to Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra.  I’m your host, Francesca Gentille, and with me today is Bonnie Gabriel. Bonnie is a writer, a professional speaker, a lecturer best known for “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice and Enchant your Lover with Words.” She’s been inspiring audiences for over fifteen years, and I am very excited to have her with us today to share her sex talk secrets.

FG:  Bonnie, I first want to get to the heart and spirit of sacred sex talk, but I think before we get there, we need to talk a little bit about what erotic talk is and how do we even start, so could you let us know about that?

BG:  Absolutely. Erotic talk is any verbal expression of passion or love, and it combines the most raunchy, lusty expressions;  we call that “talking dirty,” but that’s only a very small part of a much more vast array. I sort of liken it to the keys on the piano—we may think of our lusty feelings as the bass notes, and the more spiritual, reverent sensations as part of the higher, treble clefs. But in between, we have miriad ways of talking erotically.  In fact, I wrote a manual, “Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac,” where I offer a daily dose of sensual suggestions and erotic inspirations, covering all the different varieties and shades of erotic talk.  For instance, you can express appreciation and validation of your partners lovemaking erotically, you can give sensual feedback on how he or she makes you feel, you can even erotically nurture your partner -  which I think is really important and sometimes overlooked. There’s erotic fantasy and role playing, erotic power play, exchanging energies of dominance and surrender, and, of course, erotic devotion and communion. So they’re all, important parts of our sexual natures, worthy of expression.

FG: : I want to talk about it all,  but first, for many of us, talking in bed can be a little bit difficult, sometimes even making a sound is difficult.  So how does someone not experienced in such expression get started?

BG:  : Well, I always say start gently. [laughs] When I was teaching many workshops and classes on this subject, I would often have students who said they were experiencing performance anxiety because their partner suddenly said to them,  “Talk dirty to me, baby”.   They would freeze and become speechless because they were inexperienced, and felt inadequate.  But even more, to talk authentically in a lusty manner you have to be really turned on.   Otherwise, you’re faking it;  you’re acting to please your partner.   Such inauthentic action only cuts you off from your own inner truth and disconnects you from your partner.

So I say, rather than going for something advanced, like “talking dirty”, start really gently.  For example, you can try something which I call “erotic questioning” which is stroking your partner in either two different parts of his or her body, or in two different ways, – maybe with light touch and then with firmer pressure, then asking her, “which feels better…….. this……. or this?”.  That is so much easier to do than having to start to talk in a raunchy, lusty fashion.

Also erotic questioning is a very useful and effective method because  1), it lets your partner know you’re interested in fine tuning your love making so that you give him the greatest pleasure, 2) you get feedback from your partner and learn how to love her in ways that are particularly exciting for her, and 3) it’s so much easier to ask a question than to try to express what’s going on inside you, at the beginning..

Another easy way to introduce erotic talk into lovemaking is a process I call  “erotic feedback.”  If you are the recipient of your partner’s lovemaking, it’s helpful to let them know what gives you special pleasure, by saying things like, “oh, when you touch me right there, that feels so good” or “the pressure right now is just perfect,”  or “I love the way you’re making me feel.” Again, that’s gentle and it’s easy and it moves you slowly into the deeper forms of verbal erotica.

FG:  Hmmm, that does sound good. That little “hmmm” I just did is an example too, we don’t need a whole paragraph, “oh it feels so nice when you touch me on my left nipple and circle it slowly”–sometimes feedback can just be “mmm, that’s good…” [laughs]

BG:  Exactly, just a little moan helps.

FG: You and I are people who especially love to hear words.  Though we may enjoy all aspects of lovemaking, we still all have our preferred modes. I know that there are sensual people, who really like all kinds of touch. There are energy people who tune into the sexual tension and energy play in lovemaking. There are people who love the smells,  people who love the tastes, and there are some people who, like you and me,  are aural – loving words and sounds.

BG:  And there are people who are mostly visual, who get particularly turned on by looking at and watching their partner as they make love.  Also, people who are particularly sensitive to touch, are often also highly kinesthetic (sensitive to movement.)  So they become easily aroused by the way their partner moves his or her body.

FG: If there is someone in our audience who is aural, but who has a partner who does not currently express his or her sexual feelings in words and sounds, how can they support or encourage them to do so in a really loving way?.

Bonnie Gabriel:  I think if I were with a partner who was a non-verbal lover, I would begin by letting him know what I already love about his  lovemaking – validating him first.  Doing so, helps to create a safe space, so that he doesn’t begin to feel defensive or inadequate, when I then ask him to do something he may find uncomfortable.

If I know my partner is very visual,  I might then say, ” I love what you’re doing, right now -  and you know what would make me feel even wilder -  is if you could gently tell me as you look at me what turns you on” or  “as you look at me, what about my body is turning you on right now?”

Or if he were more kinesthetic, and  into movement, I might ask him to notice how I’m moving my body and tell me what he loves about it.   Similarly, if you have a partner who is  into smell or taste, you can query him or her about those aspects of your lovemaking.

FG: I want to talk more about some of the different ways that we can inspire our partners to speak to us,  after we come back from the break.

________________________

Coming soon:   Talk Sacred to Me Baby, Part 2.

Topics covered include – sensual talk and dating, sharing erotic fantasies, intermingling heart and genital energies,  erotic communion, and more.