As a dating and relationship author, coach and counseling psychologist, I’ve spent many years reading books and attending seminars on how to become a fully-actualized person, enhance intimacy with a loved one, heal emotional trauma, and other related topics.  Thus, I speak from hard-earned experience when I tell you that I have found a book that encompasses the best of these resources and often surpasses them, in terms of it’s effectiveness.

No, I am not receiving any kind of reward – financial or promotional – in endorsing this book.  I simply want to share this information with my readers, because I truly believe it can help you transform your relationship with yourself, your significant other, and all those who matter to you in this world.

Thus, I am posting  the review I wrote for the book on Amazon.com   If you have any comments or questions, please leave a post on this site or email me at wordsforlovers@gmail.com

A Masterful Guide for Freeing the Love in Our Hearts

Undefended Love by Drs. Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons is simply the most moving, insightful and deeply compassionate book I’ve ever read about the struggle to both open and protect our hearts in intimate relationships.  What’s more, it offers masterful guidance in the process of healing emotional wounds and re-connecting with ourselves and our partners in ways that truly free the infinite love in our hearts.

The book is not only a godsend for the layperson yearning to become a fully actualized  human being, but is also a superb guide for those of us who work with people in this struggle.  It presents a model of personality that seems not simply an intellectual construct, but one that dynamically captures the experience of being in a human body.  And the many practical exercises and step by step guidance, offered throughout the book, can easily be incorporated into any therapy or counseling practice.

If you’d like to know about other books that I recommend on the subjects of love,  sex and relationships, go to Bonnie’s Book Store.  There you will find 3 pages listing 21 of my favorites.

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Imaginative,  Playful Tips for Enhancing Your Love Life

(These change every single day, so check out this site once each day for an inspired idea or useful tool.)  If you’d like to have all 500 Lovemaking Tips at your fingertips, you can purchase them by clicking on this link.

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Here’s a FREE e-book you can download filled with light-hearted and inventive ways to win, keep and rekindle the heart of your honey.  It’s called 101 ROMANTIC IDEAS. You can access it by clicking on the title link.   What’s more it offers links to a number of e-books offering some wildly creative ways to give and receive oral and manual pleasure to your partner, tips on how to mend a broken relationship,  and more.

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This month’s words of inspiration: “A deeply sensitive and compassionate lover is one who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

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Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac:  Sensual Suggestions & Romantic Enticements (click on the title link to access a full description and ordering information).

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See  my YourTango article on the sizzling new novel
50 Shades of Grey:  Why We Love Erotic Power Play

Enjoy!

Since my book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk came out in 1996 (revised and updated in both paperback and Kindle  e-book formats in 2011), I’ve been looking for a worthy successor.  At the time I was the only author who explored the subject in all it’s variety and complexity.  Since then a number of other publications have breached the subject,  most recently, one by an Oprah endorsed author named Mike Webb.   And I have to say, that so far, it’s my favorite!

It’s called Dirty Talk Secrets: The Ultimate Guide to Sexy Talk
It’s easy to read, edgy, and direct, with lots of hot and highly imaginative examples of how to use words to heat up your lovemaking.   It’s definitely from a male perspective, although the author does take time to point out the differences between men and women in their responses to verbal erotica.  In fact, in one of my favorite parts of the book, Webb offers both a male and female view of  dirty talk.   What is particularly useful and revealing are his respective lists of what women and men most want to know about each other’s  sexual responses and desires.

Webb gives many examples of sexy talk,  from soft to hard core., and offers extensive lists of alternate terms for male and female erogenous zones.  What I find particularly appealing and new in that vein, is his inclusion of Asian poetic phrases.  So if clinical words and randy phrases turn you or your partner off, you can describe your lover’s spicy bits as her “golden crevice” or her “precious pearl”, or his “celestial dragon” or “healing sceptor.   Of course, Webb gives his due to raw and raunchy words as well.   So there’s truly something for everyone or shall I say,  just about every erotic mood.   The only types of phrases I found missing were the more gentle nurturing words that help to bond lovers when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable.  However, I devoted an entire chapter to “Sensual Words That Nurture and Heal” in my book, so you do have a resources for ideas on this particular genre.

That does not mean that Webb ignores issues of intimacy. He discusses the importance of loving communication and building trust.  And he truly encourages readers to reframe any conception they may have that dirty talk is shameful or nasty.  To this end he describes dirty talk as “an art form” and even quotes passages from the bible that have an erotic aura:  “Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand. Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine”.

The book also includes a female perspective from Mike’s friend,  TiKi Kirk.  She makes a potent contribution by sharing two explicit, sizzling letters she wrote to her husband.  It’s in a segment called, “Anticipation”, which involves tips on how to keep the erotic connection alive when you and your partner are away from one another.  Her new take on the old children’s game of “red light, green light” is truly inventive, inspired and very hot!

The one segment of the book, about which I have a strong reservation, is Mike’s paragraph on the sharing of erotic fantasies.  He cautions readers to refrain from sharing fantasies that you have no intention of acting out, such as “threesomes, group sex, farm animals, sex in public, bondage, etc”.  His concern is that such sharing may embed in your partner’s mind the desire to act them out.  I have found that not only can the sharing of such forbidden fantasies heat up your sex life and deepen your emotional connection, but can actually dissolve the desire to act them out.
E.g.  I’ve know couples (myself, included) who share fantasies about making love with wild horses, having sex in public, etc., but have no intention of acting them out.  What’s more, many of us continue to enjoy sharing words of verbal bondage without using physical restraints. Of course, in so doing, it’s extremely important that you openly communicate about your desires and limits to your partner before engaging in such shared fantasies.  That’s why I included in my book an exercise called, “creating an erotic safety net with words”, and a segment on “ground rules for playing with erotic power”.

But that’s just one quibble in a book that is filled with tons of sexy suggestions, inspired ideas, and  provocative phrases .  So, if you want a truly comprehensive, practical and very spicy guide to erotic talk, I heartily recommend Dirty Talk Secrets.

In a similar vein, Webb has authored Frisky Foreplay and Stroke by Stroke,  as well as  a host of other books and games on all aspects of relationships.

If you have a chance to read any of these publications, I welcome your feedback.   You may reply to this blog post, or,  if you wish a more private venue, send me an email at:  wordsforlovers@gmail.com

Yes, I’ve been out of touch for the past couple of months and apologize for my long, but necessitated absence. (Wish I had a clone or doppleganger!)

Now, I’m back with a brief review of a new book on love and sex addiction as well as my personal take on the subject and my prescription for transcendance.:

Sex, Romance and Other Dangerous Drugs Is the subtitle of a new book by journalist/screen writer Ethlie Ann Vare. The main title is Love Addict.  In it, the author gives a highly personal account of her own history of romantic obsession, attraction to unavailable and/or dangerous men, and the overwhelming need to use sex to numb her emotional pain.  Even though she’s writing about a disturbing topic, Ethlie infuses her narrative with wit, irony and a breezy writing style: “I’m the kind of love addict who can walk into a room filled with admirers, find the one person who is not interested, and fall in love instantly. It’s their very unavailability that makes them desirable. If you could only get him (or her, or him/her, or wherever you sit in that church) it would prove, damn it, that you’re not the unlovable dweeb you know yourself to be. Because if someone that hard to get gets got – and a quickie in the ladies room stall counts – well, you must be all that, plus tax and tip.”

Vare also has a pet name for love addiction, which I think is brilliantly accurate:  Affection deficit disorder, which Ethlie says beats the more clinica term “hysteroid dysphoria, which is what psychiatrist Donlad Klein called it in the 1980 Diagnosis and Drug Treatment of Psychiatric Disorders. As Ethlie puts it: “I crave affection, yearn for affection, long for affection…I can never seem to get enugh affection. Interestingly, I have the same problem with appetizers. Sit me in front of a nice buffet and I can eat for a week. The mechanism that signals the brain, ‘no more thanks, I’m fine!’ doesn’t function properly. I’m never fine and I always need more. ” In her book, Ethlie explores the psychological neurological and biochemical reasons for such addictive behavior as well as ways to recognize and overcome what she calls “a truly debilitating disease”. Her book is available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble as well as her web site: http://affectiondeficitdisorder.tumblr.com/

Well, on a purely physical level human beings, like wolves,  are pack animals – bonding with other humans is wired into our brains as a survival mechanism. So the sexual bond also triggers chemicals that give us not only a sense of pleasure, but of safety, connection, even meaning. That’s why we often project onto our sexual partner positive qualities that they may or may not actually possess. And that’s why sexual chemistry alone, while a delightful experience, cannot sustain a relationship. .Rather, it can trigger unmet needs for care, nurturing, compassion, acceptance, admiration, and, of course, love. Conversely, if one’s early bonding experiences have resulted in feelings of engulfment, entrapment, lack of choice or autonomy, sexual connection can trigger the desire to run, or to quickly move on to a new partner. The way our society is currently structured, it takes years of self-inquiry and psychotherapy to heal the wounds that result in sex and love addiction. (A great self-help book on the subject is Undefended Love by Drs. Jett Psaris and Marlena S. Lyons.)  However, unless we create communities that truly encourage and support such change, it’s extremely likely that many will continue to be caught in sexual liasons that thwart or diminish their full humanity.

One great glimmer of hope for such change on a broad social scale is through an organization, I’ve encountered called “The Zegg Community” and the book by it’s founding psychiatrist/sociologist Dr. Dieter Duhm The book’s title is The Sacred Matrix: The Foundation for a New Civilisation . In it he espouses a new form of healing community that supports all forms of relationships and gives each person a voice in expressing what’s is deeply brewing in his or her heart. Regardless of what is going on In one’s intimate relationship, anyone in the group can request and receive loving care and support from others in their community by simply calling forth a “Forum” or gathering of the tribe,  and making a request. So people experience having many options or choices for care, support, compassion, understanding, etc., resulting in a true feeling of empowerment.

Thus, I’m guessing that if we structured our communities as described in The Sacred Matrix, there would be far fewer incidences of sex or love addiction. Men and women – whether monogamous, polyamorous, straight, gay or bisexual, would be invited and encouraged to express what’s in their hearts and souls, to accept their own deepest wants and needs without judgement, and to experience the compassion and understanding of their community.  Similarly couples who are in struggle, can reach out for support and guidance in navigating their relationships

In such an environment, sexual connecting will more likely be based not on sexual chemistry, alone, but on the rich tapestry that makes up each individual human being. No longer will sex be used as a drug to camoflage pain, but rather as a path to blissful connection with the body, heart and soul of a treasured fellow traveller in this perplexing universe.

Dear Readers:

In October, 2010, I published Jeff Brown’s stunning, heart wrenching and exquisitely vulnerable, “Apologies to the Divine Feminine”.  In it, he expresses his regret at all the ways that he, and particularly mankind in general, have dishonored and wounded women.  In an equally powerful treatise Jeff expresses what he would most long to hear from women, similarly apologizing for the ways they have  misjudged,  misunderstood and mistreated men.

So, what Jeff, and other enlightened men are aspiring to is:  a new way to partner with women.  In this new model of relationship, members of each gender would not only claim his or her authentic power, but would strive to use our relationships to help one another heal these core wounds.   His “Apologies to the Divine Feminine”  is a stunning and powerful vehicle for nurturing this new model of relationship.   If you have not yet read it click on this link to my blog post,  “Man to Woman: A Heart Healing Revelation”,  to access it, as well as my comments about the piece.   After reading it, return to this post to read what Jeff most longs to hear from a woman that would help him, and I suspect, many, many men to heal their core wounds around relationship.

Apologies To The Sacred Masculine

(The letter this warrior-in-transition would like to receive)
by Jeff Brown

I apologize for those moments when I couldn’t see beyond my projections to your true nature. With so much relational trauma in the rear view mirror, I couldn’t distinguish the heartless from the benevolent warrior. With my lens blurred by unhealed emotions, I was unable to see you in your wholeness. I unknowingly projected my negative expectations without recognizing those moments when you were moving from love. Please forgive me my projections, and know that below my pain was a heart that genuinely longed to merge with yours.

I apologize for pushing you to open your heart when you weren’t ready. I longed to be met in my openness, and I couldn’t bear the disconnect between us. I am nourished by direct communication, and I took your silence personally. I didn’t understand the relationship between your detachment and your warrior conditioning. I do see this now. From the beginning, you have been cast in the role of warrior protector and your emotional armor was fundamental to your task. Without it, you would not have been able to remain vigilant on the battlefield, nor succeed in the competitive marketplace. As our world moves away from survivalism as a way of being, I am hopeful that you will feel safe enough to live from an open heart.  Such beautiful light comes through that opening.

I apologize for not always seeing your limitations and struggles. There were times when I could not see past my expectations and fantasies. I had grown up with a fairy tale of a great knight that would save me, and I clung to that vision, preferring the perfection projection to the reality of humanness. As a result, I didn’t always see how much stress you carried, how difficult things were, how hard it was to hold it all together. Of course, we perpetuated the projection together- you hid your humanness from view while I chose not to look for it. I look forward to the day when our relationships are not predicated on illusions, but on a deep recognition of each other’s authenticity.

May we never forget the relational and co-transformative nature of human expansion. Although the ultimate romance is with your own soul, it is our experiences together that give birth to the essential lessons. We are each here to participate in this dance of sacred imagination, stepping on each other’s toes and turning each other toward God one clumsy step after another. We trip, and then we get back up with greater awareness. With this in heart, I am hopeful that we can learn to accept one another in our humanness. We are going to continue to make mistakes, but there is grace in that if we see our errors through to the lessons they contain.
I look forward to the day when we can meet one another in our true nakedness, stripped free of unresolved emotions, pain-induced projections, the distortions of duality. For too long we have been on opposite sides of the river, the bridge between our hearts washed away by a flood of pain. But the time has come to construct a new bridge, one that comes into being with each step we take, one that is fortified with benevolent intentions and authentic self-revealing. As we walk toward one another, our emotional armour falls to the ground, transforming into the light at its source. And when we are ready, we walk right into the Godself at the centre of the bridge, puzzled that we ever imagined ourselves separate.
May you feel the presence of the Divine Mother close at heart, inviting you to rest deeply on the tender shores of your own essence, nestling you in the grateful arms of those you have protected. Those who have received your blessings may not always acknowledge it, but your acts of love have landed within us, growing us stronger and infusing us with love’s light. Rest dear warrior, rest. I hold your heart safe.

About Jeff Brown
A former criminal lawyer and psychotherapist, Jeff Brown is the author of “Soulshaping: A Journey of Self-Creation,” recently published by North Atlantic Books. Endorsed by authors Elizabeth Lesser and Ram Dass, “Soulshaping” is Brown’s autobiography — an inner travelogue of his journey from archetypal male warrior to a more surrendered path. You can connect with his work at www.soulshaping.com

References:   Perfect Love Imperfect Relationships,   Undefended Love

Note:  If you have comments you’d like to share about this piece or any of my blog posts, you may do so here.  However, if you’d like more privacy, please email me your comments at:  wordsforlovers@gmail com.

Bonnie Gabriel

I’m very excited to tell you about a FREE telesummit JUST FOR MEN ….and the women who love them.  It’s long overdue and much needed!   And while it’s focused on men, it will also profoundly help us, women, to understand the men in our lives better – be they sons, husbands, fathers or lovers.

The Awakened Man Summit has already begun, but it continues until June 30^th.  it features 18 awakened men sharing  the insights, experiences, tools and techniques they have used to move from the old model of manhood into the new model..

Let’s face it: The old model isn’t working. The old way of being a man leads to divisiveness, competition, aggression, and isolation. The new model is life-sustaining, creative, and generative. The Awakened Man creates beauty and goodness in the world while also creating true abundance in his life!

In the Awakened Man Summit, you’ll discover how18 Awakened Men made the transition from the old model to the new model. And the entire summit is totally free!

Here are just some of the teachers you’ll learn from and the insights and tools they’ll share  with you during the Energetics of TRUE Abundance:

– Sam Keen, author of the bestselling Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man and one of the catalysts of the modern men’s movement will share his insights and tools for discovering your purpose as a man.

–Andrew Harvey, bestselling author of The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism will share how Sacred Activism is an vehicle for integrating Masculine and Feminine energies in a powerful, generative way and how to become a Sacred Activist in your life – even if you’re not an activist.

– You’ll receive a Theta-Healing “Download” from master-healer Brent Phillips that will open you to the possibility that there is another way,an awakened way, of being a man in the world.

– Arjuna Ardagh, bestselling author and co-creator of the Conscious Men Manifesto will share how devoting yourself to a woman can open you to your purpose, your passion and your power.

– Marc Allen, author of The Millionaire Course, will share his story and what it took for him to  move into the new model of manhood that allowed him to follow his guidance, make a massive, positive difference in the world and create a life of true abundance.

Also, just for signing up, you’ll receive over $200 worth of bonus gifts from the faculty.   To do so, click on the link below:  

Awakened Man Summit

I’m definitely going to listen to as many of these live sessions as possible. I hope you can join me for this intensive  transformational program!

                               Joyful loving,

                                Bonnie G.

I’d like to share an amazing poem with you by Bruce Boehlen, co-founder of The Mankind Project.

In it, he expresses  vulnerability, transparency  and the ability to hold the pain in his heart with compassion and care.

I found it extremely moving.   What’s more, I believe that a man so willing to embrace and express these tender aspects of his full humanity is extremely attractive to women of depth and substance. In fact,  when this kind of open revelation occurs between lovers,  it  helps to bring true intimacy and depthful connection to a relationship.

For further information on how to bring nurturing presence to yourself and your partner and to express your feelings, desires, wants and needs in ways that build intimacy check out my recent blogs:

Helping Your Lover Regain Self-Worth

Erotic Empathy

Hypnosis for Lovers: Intensifying Intimacy and Sensuality

I’d like to share some wise words from Scott Catamas, couples counselor, and master coach and teacher in the art of compassionate communications (NVC). He presents workshops using this powerful approach throughout the United States and Europe.

Scott:  My experience working with hundreds of couples is that you and your partner’s unhealed stuff from the past – old wounds, unmet needs, will come together in a ‘perfect storm’.  But that’s not a bad thing.  We can use this “storm” to teach each other what we need to learn in order to heal and grow.  So learn what your issues are and how to say to your partner, ‘I think we’re about to move into a perfect storm right now.’

Before either you or your partner confront one another with any issue, it’s wise for each of you to ask yourself  “ ‘Am I really in a place, at this time, where I’m both in touch with my own feelings and needs and I genuinely care about my partner’s needs and feelings?  If not, find another time. Do not engage when you’re triggered.  Quality conversation requires self-reflection.  So, if you find yourself already starting to talk about a touchy issue, and are not in this space, call time out and get centered.  And let your partner know that you’re doing this so you can be in a better place to truly hear what’s going on for him or her.”

Editor’s note:  As an NVC student, myself, I’d also advise taking time to give yourself empathy for the unmet needs that are triggering your end of the conflict –be they need for respect, support, understanding, autonomy, freedom, etc.

Scott continues:  “Before you address the problem issue, lead with reassurance that you care. If you can, before speaking, take your partner’s hands, look in each other’s eyes, and breathe together.  See if you can let go of the need to be right.  Choose harmony and mutual understanding, instead. In fact, it’s often worthwhile, before discussing the conflict, to acknowledge one another for what is working in the relationship.  It may help to  help to recall a time when you both were in harmony, and how good that felt.

Once you begin to talk, be aware of speed/cadence and rhythm of your speech.  Slow down.  One thought at a time. Before you move on, ask for reflection.  A general rule of thumb:  Talk for 60 seconds or less. In fact, take time to acknowledge what you need to stay connected.  Instead of telling your partner what he is doing wrong, e.g., ‘You talk to fast’.  own your own feelings and needs with a statement like, ‘ It’ll be much easier for me to truly hear you if you will speak more slowly and take a breath’.  Or, ‘I’d like you to know something about me.  I really appreciate it when you slow down and talk to me from your heart.’

Now is the time to differentiate between the judgmental brain and the compassionate heart.  One way to do this is to shift your consciousness:  Instead of making your partner wrong, see if you can come from a place of curiosity.  Try imagining that your partner is a strange creature from another planet.  Hold the thought, ‘He/she is incredibly different from me and will always be a source of mystery. ‘  See if you can hold a thought of researching one another with curiosity and wonder.

As you address the difficult issue, do your best to express your side without blaming or judging your partner. Instead, talk about the feelings and unmet needs that are fueling the conflict.   If your partner slips into blaming or judging you, remember, he is also expressing his precious, unmet needs, but they’re coming out as criticism.  (When we perceive our partner’s words as attack, we tend to run them through our minds and can make ourselves sick.  Instead, it’s healthier to get in touch with his unmet needs that are fueling his judging words, such as need for respect, appreciation, autonomy, trust, care, etc.

If your partner continues to complain about what you do or don’t do that upsets him, you might ask  ‘Before I respond, would you be willing to give me appreciation and reassurance for the things I do that please you?’

It’s also important to remember that expressing your need does not mean that your partner is then responsible for fulfilling that need.  In fact, no one is ever responsible for meeting another’s needs unless you both agree to do so in a specific situation. .  If we think we’re responsible to meet these needs then we may feel overwhelmed, guilty or resentful.

However, just being present and holding one another’s unmet needs with respect, compassion and care can begin to heal even the deepest conflicts.

Editor’s note:   In a future blog we’ll discuss the art of finding mutually-agreed upon strategies for meeting one another’s needs.

I’d like to end with a list that summarizes the above in what Scott, and his wife, Gabriele call:  THE 7 ADJUSTMENTS.  Keep them in mind, or even on a little index card, so that you’ll have easy access to them when you and your partner are in disharmony.

1. Willingness to change instead of blame
2. Compassion instead of judgement
3. Reassurance instead of shame
4. Appreciation instead of criticism
5. Understanding instead of blame
6. Acceptance instead of guilt
7. Curiosity instead of making wrong

Here is a transcript of my recent interview with Donny Regal,  events coordinator and compassionate communications  teacher at Celebrations of love in Corte Madera, California.  In it he describes a powerful process that lovers can use with one another to bring tremendous pleasure and fulfillment into their relationship.
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Bonnie Gabriel (BG):  I’d like to introduce you to a delightful renaissance man.  His name is Donny Regal.  He’s a music producer, composer, and a man who likes to delve into the deep places of the human mind & heart, finding better ways to communicate and connect.  In his quest, he’s used various approaches, including Tantra, NVC (non-violent or compassionate communication), and NLP  (neurolinguistic programming).

However, one that he is finding particularly effective, is a special form of hypnosis, that does not require a formal trance induction.   Last week, he did a demonstration of this method with me,  that was not recorded.  Today, he will again demonstrate this process using me as a subject, so I can record it and share it with my readers.  So, if you’d like to learn how to do this for yourself and discover something quite personal about me,  your humble blogger and seeker – read on!

BG:  Donny, you’ve talked about using a special form of hypnosis as a way of connecting more deeply with a lover, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually.  I’d love for you do demonstrate this, but first, could you give my blog readers a brief philosophy of your approach?

Donny Regal (DR):  In our relationships, we spend lots of time doing activities together, negotiating, arguing, struggling to get our own needs met, etc.  But how much time do we spend exploring our own and our partner’s core values and deepest longings? Only by doing so, can we have access to the essential part of one another’s being.  We’re all so different – that’s the unique thing about us.  What rocks your world or turns you on or makes you excited or even angry can be completely and uniquely different from someone else.  So it’s a very precious, intimate experience to really understand the unique values and needs and perspective on life that our lover holds dear.

For instance, I might  continue to buy you bouquets of flowers thinking what I’m doing will make you happy, and perhaps, get you turned on and hot for me.  But, I may not realize that gifting you with flowers will not have nearly as much meaning for you as say, writing a poem that expresses my love, or taking you out dancing.  So instead of basing our reality on what we think works for somebody else, we first explore our partner’s psyche to find out what truly moves or excites them.  I call this finding your partner’s “pleasure buttons” – and I don’t mean just sexually.  I mean in terms of what makes them feel most cared for, appreciated and understood. And such practice is often missing in relationships.  We take them for granted.  But the lack of such experiences is what often fuels the greatest conflict and dissent between couples.

So, how can we help each other find our unique “pleasure buttons”.?  Of course,  Compassionate Communication, which you’ve already discussed in prior blogs, is a very powerful way of sharing unmet needs and longings.  But I also find that a gentle form of hypnosis – that does not require a formal trance –  can sometimes be even more powerful.

BG:  My readers would love a demo of how you might go about doing this.

DR:  The good news is, it’s really easy.  You don’t have to use formal indoctrination, just ask your partner to relax, breathe slowly and gently tune into a place in his or her heart or mind where she holds her core values about what truly matters,  what make him feel most alive, what she most longs for others to know about her – or some other meaningful question.   Just asking such a question of yourself or your partner can induce a light trance that allows easier access to the subconscious.

So, to demonstrate:  Bonnie, I asked you this once before in a recent session:  What do you most love and value about yourself. – that you wish others would see. And what I got from you was a quirky, artistic and musical self that yearns to be known.  So now that I know that, I’m going to reinforce it by saying, Bonnie, I can really get how much you long to bring out that quirky musician part of you in a place where you feel safe and not judged.   In fact, I sense that you would like others to delight in this particular quality that you possess.

BG:   Exactly.

DR:  So let’s try the process again:  Bonnie, go deep inside yourself  – and see if you can get in touch with something else there that yearns to be seen and recognized – a core value, a quality of who you are – or a strong need or desire .

BG:  (Taking some time to get a felt sense of what’s alive in me, after hearing  Donny’s question.)  I can feel a couple of things stirring.  But one that seems particularly strong, especially when I’m in a relationship is:  I yearn for my partner to notice what in me sets me apart from all the other women he’s been with – what is uniquely special and irreplaceable in me -  because that’s what I look for in him – his peerless, rare, endearing qualities .   I treasure that and I yearn for it.

DR:  So you’re really longing to be seen in the unique qualities you have as a woman

BG:  Yes, and not just generic female energy.

DR:  Not just seen as an attractive, alluring woman.. But a specific, unique quality that you have that sets you apart.

BG:  Yes.

DR:  So an important question I would want to ask you about this is:  How would you know when I was experiencing you like that?   Give me an example of something that I might do that would tell you that I am indeed sensing that part of you?  I don’t want to make any assumptions.

BG:  It’s when my partner says something to me like,  “I really love that about you.  I love that you’re so finely attuned to song lyrics or poetry or music that moves you so deeply.  I love that quality about you.   And I love how sensitive you are to the way a singer interprets a song.

DR:  So when someone can really see, hear, feel, taste the different unique qualities of Bonnie – the way you find rare songs that may not be very popular but special – and so unique that you have a profound need to share them.  Again, it’s that musician in you who loves to be seen for that special quality.

And if we were in a relationship – and even as your good friend – I would continue to look for and notice those special unique qualities in you and keep feeding back to you what I observe.  I’d continue to give you recognition and appreciation for these qualities.  How does that make you feel?

BG:  Gotten, known, validated.

DR:  And when you discover the parts in me that I long to have seen – it creates tremendous depth of connection on all levels and makes our sensual connection even richer.  Because we’re constantly firing off or triggering one another’s “pleasure buttons”. – recognizing those special places together

BG   Yes.  And when you and your partner really experience that you have one another’s best interests at heart it really evokes deep trust.

DR:  Absolutely.   And during the hypnotic process we begin to anchor those needs.  We see that by me demonstrating that I want to explore finer ways to fulfill your needs and you want to discover more effective ways to meet mine -  how much richer our relationship becomes!  And as we continue to evoke one another’s unique pleasure buttons it will continue to become even more exciting,  sensual, and intimate  – and it’s going to make us want to give more and more to each other.

BG:  You know, a lot of people don’t experience anybody caring that much about their inner being.  Even in a relationship you’ve been in for years, you might ask, “does my partner really want to know me that deeply?”

DR:  Imagine if that gets completely turned around?  When we start to experience caring at that level, we start to feel more loved and develop the capacity to love more.  Because I believe we’re wired for reciprocity

BG: I do, too.  The need for contribution – to have a positive impact on someone else’s life  -  is just as strong as the need to have our own needs fulfilled.

DR: And when we do this kind of depthful exploration, allowing us to be mutually of service to one an other – it impacts our spiritual life, as well.  When we help the people around us to feel more enriched it brings greater meaning and value to our lives.  It creates a spiral of energy that has profound impact within us, with our loved ones, our community, and with all the precious beings that we encounter.

Today, I’d like to share with you an email I received from a dear friend and colleague, Francesca Gentille.   In it, she shares the wisdom she’s gained as a couples counselor, healer and sex therapist.   You can also find in depth discussions of many of these issues in my book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk.   Here are some of these points beautifully summarized  by Francesca.

If you wish, print out this blog page and keep it near your bed as a guide for ways to bring  greater joy and intimacy into your love life.

Keys To Enhanced Intimacy

by Francesca Gentille

How to understand the opposite sex

“Men and women want the same things, we just prioritize them differently. If you relate to someone the way they relate to you, you’ll be speaking their language.”

Overcoming the fear of commitment

“We’ve all been hurt and carry distrust. We fall in love and want to commit to the person who brings forth the best in us and fulfills the secret dream of love.”

Becoming the lover they never forget

“Remember that when we touch a body, we also touch a soul. Listen to breath, heat, cold, energy and emotion. The BodySoul gives constant feedback.”

Cultural diversity in every relationship

“Each person carries a unique inner landscape of culture, history, and traditions.This landscape has blind spots resulting in how we think it should be done. When you feel stuck in a “should” that binds, ask yourself, how would I look at this as if I were raised in another culture?”

Growing and sustaining love in a relationship

“New relationships obsess on all the visual and sensual memories of what delights them in their partner. Old relationships often focus their thoughts on what is not working. Keep it fresh by choosing to recall, think about and visualize the memories of love. Each thought creates either The Book of Growing Love OR The Book Of Ending the Relationship .”

How Sacred Sexuality supports abuse recovery

“When we are abused, we have been objectified; yelled at, touched, handled,and made to witness in ways that broke trust, and disregarded the personal choice of our bodies, minds, emotions and spirits. We have been related to with the very opposite of the sacred. Sacred sexuality is slow, conscious, connective, honoring, and revering. It teaches practices that deepen relating. We feel precious, and worthy of care. Especially with ourselves.”

For other insightful resources and great Christmas/Hannukah gifts for your beloved, check out Bonnie’s Bookstore, Boutique for Lovers, Board Games & Other Playful Adventures for Lovers, and Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac.

May you have a delicious, delightful holiday season.

Bonnie Gabriel

In all close relationships, when we make it safe for one another to share the parts of our inner being that feel wounded, blocked, unloved, shamed, and profoundly vulnerable, we can help each other to heal and flourish.  What’s more,  when we create this safe, compassionate atmosphere with a lover, it can infuse our lovemaking with a true sense of what I’ve termed, “erotic communion”.

This kind of depthful expression enriches relationships – in and out of the bedroom.   In my book “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk” I refer to this process as  creating “erotic communion”.   And the process  we use to build a trusting environment for the expression of these deep truths,  I’ve termed, “creating an erotic safety net with words”.

Of course, such honest self-disclosure is often challenging and scary for both women and men.  However, in our culture,  men have a weightier obstacle to overcome in both accessing and expressing these deeper aspects of their inner being.   For, despite the human potential movement and the sexual revolution of the past 30 years, the stereotype of a “real man” as strong, in charge, in control of his emotions is still so pervasive, that it often restricts his ability to fully connect with himself, as well as those he loves..  That’s why I have found the words of Jeff Brown, so amazing and moving.  I find his compassion, honesty, wisdom and vulnerability far more masculine and attractive than any other wonderful quality a man may possess.   How do you feel about his revelations?  Feel free to respond here, or write to me at:  wordsforlovers@gmail.com

I am honored to present Jeff Brown’s

APOLOGIES TO THE DIVINE FEMININE

“I apologize for my inability to distinguish the benevolent warrior from the heartless warrior, a reflection of my own confusion dealing with the battlefields of yore. When I opened my heart too wide, I was vulnerable to attack from warring factions. I was conditioned to believe that I had to stay rigid, focused, prepared for any eventuality, in the desire to protect myself and others from attack. But I went too far, and closed too tight, and eradicated the bridge between our hearts. I am seeing this now and I am sorry.

I apologize for my perpetual absence, a reflection of my own inner absence, my inability to connect from a heart jammed tight by unresolved emotions that I did not have the tools to work through. I still lack many of these tools, but I am open to their emergence.

I apologize for my inability to distinguish relationship from war. Like a warrior in enemy territory, I would sneak in and out of your life in the night, plundering and selfishly taking what I needed, then crawling back to the other side of the abyss with the spoils. I gave little back for fear that I would become vulnerable to attack. I had war on the brain and I could not see the river of love waiting on the other side of the battlefield. I now recognize that love is the antidote for the armoured warrior, but I could not drink the antidote in my driven state.

I apologize for not seeing you, my eyes blinded by congealed rage and unshed tears. If it is any consolation, and I imagine it is not, I could not see myself either. I saw only that which served my hyper-vigilance, my warrior focus. My mirror was a battlefield.

I apologize for my ungrounded materialism, my power driven tyrannies, my obsession with accumulation. Somehow I imagined that accumulation would protect me and those close to me, but I failed to recognize that it just perpetuated the madness. I also apologize for my egoic abuses, a reflection of my own misguided ego, pumped up to deal with an inherently competitive world. I couldn’t distinguish the healthy, confident ego from the cocky, unhealthy ego. I went much too far in the wrong direction.

“I apologize for a sexuality that was objectifying and disconnected from the heart. I know you longed for real intimacy, a merging of our souls along the heart-genital highway. But there were too many defences around my heart, and no bridge could form between our souls. There were moments when your loving ways freed me from my body masks, but I had no template to stand in that heart-fire. I am sorry for this, for I know that the path you longed for was the path to God.

I apologize for my horrifying acts of violence, a reflection of my own congealed rage, my own inability to distinguish real enemies from friends. There are no words that can undo what I have done in those moments of madness. I know this, I do. I would hide my face in shame, but that won’t make things better. I need to own my misdeeds, and then find a way to believe in my capacity to move from a more loving place. I call out to other male warriors to be accountable for the actions of our gender, not in a way that is self-hating, but in a way that is courageously self-honest and genuinely compassionate. The heartfelt warrior acknowledges the error of his ways, and has the courage to do all he can to make amends over time.

I apologize for my inability to develop a conscious relationship. You were right there with your beautiful heart on your sleeve but I was too attached to my individualism and afraid of this unknown terrain. I know the forests, the marketplace and the ways of the outer world so well, but my inner geography is foreign to me. You called me to a place I was ill-prepared to go, although I sensed, below the surface of my bravado, that you called me home.

I am grateful for your willingness to believe that who I was in those rare moments of vulnerability was the real me. You were right- the real me lives inside of my heart- but a few moments now and then was the most I could handle. I saw you as dangerous, for in your presence I began to taste a surrendered way of being. Nonetheless, your faith in my goodness kept me going through many a battle, and restored my faith in life when I most needed it. You were the light at the end of a barbaric tunnel, and I am blessed.

I am grateful that you stuck with me through thick and thin, and I also understand those times you had to give up and let go. I now recognize that there is meaningful difference between a love-ship and a relationship. Love alone is not enough. Without a shared willingness to become conscious, there can only be frustration. I was so often impossible, clinging to my unconsciousness like a soldier clings to his weapons. I recognize the courage it took for you to keep your heart open in the presence of my resistance. You had every right to seek an authentic relationship, as your spirit was ignited in its presence. Your beautiful heart had every right to be met in its openness and willingness. I am grateful for the time you gave me, a moments respite from the hiding places I mistakenly called home.

I am grateful for Grandmother, for no one saw my tenderness more clearly. I am grateful for Mother, for choosing to bring me into being and for nourishing my body until I could find my feet. I am grateful for Mother Earth, for grounding my expansion and enlivening my spirit. I am grateful for the Divine Mother, the real Mother of us all. I now feel her divine presence, so close. Fiercely compassionate, she was always right here, breathing life into me, holding me safe. I sit in her lap as she breathes me.

I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego, not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding. I want to touch you with my heart on my sleeve, to know chemistry between us that is not gender identified, but that is essence sourced, loves liquid lava flowing from the heart to the genitals to the great beyond. In this love-struck world, relationship will always be experienced as spiritual practice, a devotional expression of our God-self.

I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little longer than I once could, I am softening in places. After so many lifetimes with weapon in hand, a tenderling warrior is being birthed in the core of my being. He is confused, but he intuitively knows that this is the way home.

Please don’t give up on me or my fellow warriors. Forgive us our misdeeds, or, at the least, be open to the possibility that we will change as the trail expands to meet our shifting intentionality. The day will come when our warrior spirit loses its harsh edge, and comes into alignment with benevolent action. Some of us are already there, and many more of us will follow. The road to transformation is dependent on a bridge between genders, a benevolent bridge that celebrates our differences with respect and kindness. That work must begin with healing the rifts along the gender continuum, working hard to heal the collective heart until one day we can stand on a bridge across forever, hands held together, hearts open and alight, embracing the sacred masculine and divine feminine living at the heart of us all. I will meet you there.

May you feel the love of the Divine Mother crashing down on your heartfelt shores, graciously lifting you up above the madness of the world, nestling you in the grateful arms of those you have nurtured. Those of us who have received your blessings may not always acknowledge it, but your acts of love have landed within us, growing us stronger and infusing us with love’s light. Thank you. “

© Jeff Brown,  (a self-described “ warrior in transition”), 2010 (www.soulshaping.com)

Editor’s note:  We women have also misunderstood and misused men, due to our own wounds and unfulfilled hungers.  If you are a woman who is moved to apologize to the Divine Masculine, I encourage you to express your apologies (no rants, criticisms or accusations) directly on this blog or write them to me at wordsforlovers@mindspring.com.   If you wish to have your name withheld, I will honor your request.