Helping Your Lover Regain Self-Worth

by bonnie on September 4, 2010

A few months ago I wrote a blog on Erotic Appreciation and in my book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk  I devote an entire chapter – “Erotic Words That Nurture and Heal” - to this often neglected subject.

Recently, a friend and colleague of mine, Francesca Gentille, clinical sexologist/relationship counselor, has brought to my attention an inspiring tale about how lovers can help to bring forth the best in one another. It is in complete alignment with my belief that we do have the power to transform one another’s lives when we truly see and reflect the inner radiance beneath the wounds, pain, anger and confusion that we all hold within our vulnerable being.

Says Francesca: “To the sacred lover there is a magical journey of ‘believing forth’ the best in another. The lover sees, feels, & experiences how wonderful the object of his or her affection is so deeply that the beloved is released from the spell of the wounds of their own worthlessness. The beloved becomes, what appeared to be hidden: the best within him or herself.

Below is an excerpt from Patrick Rothfuss The Name of the Wind. It is an intriguingly well written depiction of the process of the Daka/Dakini, Priest/ess of Love, Sacred Courtesan, Divine Beloved, and Shaman of Eros”

Editor’s Note: Since I found the quaint, odd names in the story rather distracting, I’m going to paraphrase, so that the idea of the tale and it’s philosophy are emphasized.

Here: A story teller begins a tale about a king who sells his crown to a poor orphan boy

Wearing the crown, the boy is inspired to becomes a better king than the original. Later, a poor,country woman called a goosegirl dresses like a countess and everyone is stunned by her grace & charm. The story teller goes on to explain: “You see, there’s a fundamental connection between SEEMING and BEING. We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.

The listener replies: . “That’s basic psychology. You dress a beggar in fine clothes, people treat him like a noble, and he lives up to the expectations.”

“That’s only the smallest piece of it,” the story teller replies. “The Truth is deeper than that..”

The listener adds, “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

The story teller frowns, but the listener makes a new discovery and adds,
“I’ve got it now. You meet a girl: shy, unassuming. If you tell her she’s beautiful, she’ll think you are sweet, but she won’t believe you. She knows that beauty lies in your beholding. And sometimes that’s enough.” 

The listener then realizes there’s an even better way:  “You SHOW her she is beautiful. You make mirrors of your eyes, prayers of your hands against her body. It is hard, very hard, but when she truly believes you. -. suddenly the negative story she tells herself in her own head changes. She transforms. She isn’t SEEN as beautiful. She is beautiful, SEEN,”

Francesca sums up with “As it is said above, to be the True Believer who calls forth the best in another is hard work. Yet, it is some of the best work there is. Thank you & bless you to each of you who is called & catalyzed to engage in your own Inner Work such that you can be a sacred container for the healing of others.”

We can not save, heal, change nor fix another. We can believe. We can collaborate with the radiance of their own spirit.

May your authentic soul bring transformation to our world,.”       Amen!

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In an interview I did recently with Francesca Gentille,  Clinical Sexologist,  Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator, she spoke with me about the power of blessing your partner’s body.  Since sensual words are often used in these sacred rituals,  I thought it would be an ideal subject for my Words for Lovers blog.

Having both experienced and initiated some of these rituals, myself, I can honestly say that they are both arousing and healing.   Healing, because so many of us have issues with our bodies – fears that we’re too flabby or too scrawny, that certain body parts are too small, too large, not well toned, etc., etc.   So it can be truly soothing, reassuring and healing when our partner is using words to bless those very parts that we perceive as less than appealing.  Conversely, it can feel  most fulfilling to offer our lover a similar blessing

The body blessing that Francesca described in our interview is called “The Five-fold Kiss”.  It’s derived from a Celtic earth-based spiritual practice and can be done standing or lying on the floor, a mat or the bed.   I’ll first go over the ancient ritual as Francesca described it, and then add my own modernized adaptation.

As Francesca explains:  “The partner who is giving the blessing begins by kneeling at his/her lover’s feet.   As you kneel, imagine that his or her body is an alter, a place of scared worship.

You say the words, ‘Blessed be your feet that will walk the sacred way’,.  And then slowly kiss them.  As you move up your partner’s body, you give a verbal blessing, followed by a slow kiss.

The next area in the Five-fold Kiss is the knees. The blessing is:  ‘Blessed be your knees that will kneel at the sacred alter.’  (The “sacred alter” described here is your body.)

The next area is the genitals, and the blessing is ‘Blessed be your phallus (or yoni), without which we would not be.’  (the source of conception and birth, of course)

Next is the heart area, with ‘Blessed be your chest (or breasts) for holding your courage and compassion. ‘

And finally, you bless your lover’s lips with ‘Blessed be your lips that shall speak the sacred name.’   (The name implied is yours – the name of your partner’s beloved.)”

In using the Five-fold Kiss, you can be quite creative, and speak words that more accurately express your appreciation of your lover’s body.  And you don’t have to limit it to a five- fold kiss.  You can just as easily bless other parts of the body as well – perhaps the hands, arms, neck, forehead or even the belly button!

Here are some ideas that I came up with for a ten-fold kissing ritual, one that uses more secular language than the old Celtic ritual.:  ( Remember, before using the words, to first take in the  part of your lover’s body you are blessing with your eyes and your heart.  And when you slowly kiss that part, make sure you are fully present and there for him/her,  so that your partner feels that delicious energetic connection.)

Blessed be your feet for walking life’s path with courage and dignity.
Blessed be your knees for keeping you flexible and open to change.
Blessed be your phallus (or yoni) for creating such exquisite pleasure and joy
Blessed be your chest/breast for holding your compassionate heart.
Blessed be your shoulders for offering solace and support
Blessed be your arms for enfolding and holding those you love.
Blessed be your hands for their healing touch
Blessed be your lips for the words that speak your truth
Blessed be your eyes for their vision of a better world
Blessed be your crown (top of head),  your energetic link to higher consciousness (or interconnection with all living things)

Then stand, take in your partner’s entire body and silently adore him/her. ending the ritual with:
Blessed be your body for serving as a sacred container for your radiant being.

Then, if you wish, reverse roles, so that you have the opportunity to experience how it feels to receive a body blessing from your lover.   If you don’t feel aligned with the words used in the Five-fold or Ten-fold Kiss described here,  create a ritual of your own, using words that best express the ways that you appreciate your lover’s body.

You can receive more tips on how to appreciate your partner’s body with words in my newly revised book (now also available as an e-book),  The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, and in my e-manual, Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac: Sensual Suggestions and Romantic Enticements

Many blessings,

Bonnie Gabriel

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