Since my book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk came out in 1996 (revised and updated in both paperback and Kindle e-book formats in 2011), I’ve been looking for a worthy successor. At the time I was the only author who explored the subject in all it’s variety and complexity. Since then a number of other publications have breached the subject, most recently, one by an Oprah endorsed author named Mike Webb. And I have to say, that so far, it’s my favorite!
It’s called Dirty Talk Secrets: The Ultimate Guide to Sexy Talk
It’s easy to read, edgy, and direct, with lots of hot and highly imaginative examples of how to use words to heat up your lovemaking. It’s definitely from a male perspective, although the author does take time to point out the differences between men and women in their responses to verbal erotica. In fact, in one of my favorite parts of the book, Webb offers both a male and female view of dirty talk. What is particularly useful and revealing are his respective lists of what women and men most want to know about each other’s sexual responses and desires.
Webb gives many examples of sexy talk, from soft to hard core., and offers extensive lists of alternate terms for male and female erogenous zones. What I find particularly appealing and new in that vein, is his inclusion of Asian poetic phrases. So if clinical words and randy phrases turn you or your partner off, you can describe your lover’s spicy bits as her “golden crevice” or her “precious pearl”, or his “celestial dragon” or “healing sceptor. Of course, Webb gives his due to raw and raunchy words as well. So there’s truly something for everyone or shall I say, just about every erotic mood. The only types of phrases I found missing were the more gentle nurturing words that help to bond lovers when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable. However, I devoted an entire chapter to “Sensual Words That Nurture and Heal” in my book, so you do have a resources for ideas on this particular genre.
That does not mean that Webb ignores issues of intimacy. He discusses the importance of loving communication and building trust. And he truly encourages readers to reframe any conception they may have that dirty talk is shameful or nasty. To this end he describes dirty talk as “an art form” and even quotes passages from the bible that have an erotic aura: “Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand. Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine”.
The book also includes a female perspective from Mike’s friend, TiKi Kirk. She makes a potent contribution by sharing two explicit, sizzling letters she wrote to her husband. It’s in a segment called, “Anticipation”, which involves tips on how to keep the erotic connection alive when you and your partner are away from one another. Her new take on the old children’s game of “red light, green light” is truly inventive, inspired and very hot!
The one segment of the book, about which I have a strong reservation, is Mike’s paragraph on the sharing of erotic fantasies. He cautions readers to refrain from sharing fantasies that you have no intention of acting out, such as “threesomes, group sex, farm animals, sex in public, bondage, etc”. His concern is that such sharing may embed in your partner’s mind the desire to act them out. I have found that not only can the sharing of such forbidden fantasies heat up your sex life and deepen your emotional connection, but can actually dissolve the desire to act them out.
E.g. I’ve know couples (myself, included) who share fantasies about making love with wild horses, having sex in public, etc., but have no intention of acting them out. What’s more, many of us continue to enjoy sharing words of verbal bondage without using physical restraints. Of course, in so doing, it’s extremely important that you openly communicate about your desires and limits to your partner before engaging in such shared fantasies. That’s why I included in my book an exercise called, “creating an erotic safety net with words”, and a segment on “ground rules for playing with erotic power”.
But that’s just one quibble in a book that is filled with tons of sexy suggestions, inspired ideas, and provocative phrases . So, if you want a truly comprehensive, practical and very spicy guide to erotic talk, I heartily recommend Dirty Talk Secrets.
In a similar vein, Webb has authored Frisky Foreplay and Stroke by Stroke, as well as a host of other books and games on all aspects of relationships.
If you have a chance to read any of these publications, I welcome your feedback. You may reply to this blog post, or, if you wish a more private venue, send me an email at: firstname.lastname@example.org