Helping Your Lover Regain Self-Worth

by bonnie on September 4, 2010

A few months ago I wrote a blog on Erotic Appreciation and in my book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk  I devote an entire chapter – “Erotic Words That Nurture and Heal” - to this often neglected subject.

Recently, a friend and colleague of mine, Francesca Gentille, clinical sexologist/relationship counselor, has brought to my attention an inspiring tale about how lovers can help to bring forth the best in one another. It is in complete alignment with my belief that we do have the power to transform one another’s lives when we truly see and reflect the inner radiance beneath the wounds, pain, anger and confusion that we all hold within our vulnerable being.

Says Francesca: “To the sacred lover there is a magical journey of ‘believing forth’ the best in another. The lover sees, feels, & experiences how wonderful the object of his or her affection is so deeply that the beloved is released from the spell of the wounds of their own worthlessness. The beloved becomes, what appeared to be hidden: the best within him or herself.

Below is an excerpt from Patrick Rothfuss The Name of the Wind. It is an intriguingly well written depiction of the process of the Daka/Dakini, Priest/ess of Love, Sacred Courtesan, Divine Beloved, and Shaman of Eros”

Editor’s Note: Since I found the quaint, odd names in the story rather distracting, I’m going to paraphrase, so that the idea of the tale and it’s philosophy are emphasized.

Here: A story teller begins a tale about a king who sells his crown to a poor orphan boy

Wearing the crown, the boy is inspired to becomes a better king than the original. Later, a poor,country woman called a goosegirl dresses like a countess and everyone is stunned by her grace & charm. The story teller goes on to explain: “You see, there’s a fundamental connection between SEEMING and BEING. We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.

The listener replies: . “That’s basic psychology. You dress a beggar in fine clothes, people treat him like a noble, and he lives up to the expectations.”

“That’s only the smallest piece of it,” the story teller replies. “The Truth is deeper than that..”

The listener adds, “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

The story teller frowns, but the listener makes a new discovery and adds,
“I’ve got it now. You meet a girl: shy, unassuming. If you tell her she’s beautiful, she’ll think you are sweet, but she won’t believe you. She knows that beauty lies in your beholding. And sometimes that’s enough.” 

The listener then realizes there’s an even better way:  “You SHOW her she is beautiful. You make mirrors of your eyes, prayers of your hands against her body. It is hard, very hard, but when she truly believes you. -. suddenly the negative story she tells herself in her own head changes. She transforms. She isn’t SEEN as beautiful. She is beautiful, SEEN,”

Francesca sums up with “As it is said above, to be the True Believer who calls forth the best in another is hard work. Yet, it is some of the best work there is. Thank you & bless you to each of you who is called & catalyzed to engage in your own Inner Work such that you can be a sacred container for the healing of others.”

We can not save, heal, change nor fix another. We can believe. We can collaborate with the radiance of their own spirit.

May your authentic soul bring transformation to our world,.”       Amen!

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