In this post, we continue with part 3 of the edited transcript of an interview I gave on a recent net radio program. It’s called Sex: Tantra & Kama Sutra, hosted by Francesca Gentille, Director & Founder: THE LIFEDANCE CENTER for Integrative Arts , Clinical Sexologist, Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator. If you haven’t yet read Part 1 simply click on this link:
Talk Sacred to Me, Baby – Part 1. It covers many different aspects of erotic communication, including preferred sensory modes – auditory, visual, kinesthetic And, if you missed part 2: You can access it here: Talk Sacred to Me Baby – Part 2.
Frabcesca Gentille: : When you talk about the many ways we can use our wild imaginations to enhance our lovemaking, - I have a sense of what erotic fantasy and maybe even erotic power play is. So let’s just touch on those before we get into other ones that I think people know less about.
Would you be willing to give some examples from your own life?
Bonnie Gabriel: About erotic fantasizing? Well, definitely. I’ve always had a very rich fantasy life. One of my biggest fantasies, that I’ve has since I was in my early teens, is being abducted by a pirate and having him have his way with me on the pirate ship, right on the deck of the ship, ripping my clothes off, like one of those romance novels that I read as a kid. When I later shared that fantasy with my lover, he was all too happy to create a role play around it. He put on an eye patch and one earring, and calling me his “wench” as he ripped off my nightgown off and tied me to the bedpost. I knew him well and completely trusted him, so I knew he wouldn’t actually hurt me.. It was just so much fun, so playful and, yet, very hot.
But, as I say in my book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, the fantasy path in lovemaking is one that people need to tread very gently. That’s because many of our fantasies have a taboo aspect to them and, if they were to be acted out in real life, could create serious consequences for people. But as long as they stay in the fantasy realm, shared between two consenting adults, I see no reason to inhibit them., In fact it’s healthy to be able to bring those hidden aspects of our psyches into the light with a loving and compassionate partner. . So, in my book I talk about creating a safety net with words , so that you can share those fantasies in ways that create an atmosphere of trust. It involves holding your partner’s imagination with innocent curiosity – not judging or making them wrong, even if the fantasy is not appealing to you. It simply comes from different life experiences, different needs..
FG: I’d love to talk more about how we create that erotic safety net and literally the words that we use and the question that we might ask to set it up to create that safety net before we actually share the fantasy, I think that’s so important. - after we come back from a break and a word from our sponsors.
FG: Welcome back to Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra, bringing you the soul of sex, talking with Bonnie Gabriel who is the author of “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk.” Bonnie, you were talking about that safety net.
BG : Yes, it’s very important to hold a non-judgmental attitude, no matter what your partner shares with you. And if what he or she shares makes you feel uncomfortable, to acknowledge that discomfort in a compassionate way. For example, you might say something like “You know, when you describe that scene that turns you on, it upsets me because I was taught it’s wrong to even think about having sex with a nun or a priest”…..or an animal”, or whatever [and you might add “it may take me a while to get use to this, so please be patient.” In other words, if you take responsibility for your own reaction, instead of blaming or criticizing your partner, it creates an atmosphere in which both of you can be honest, open and vulnerable – the essential ingredients to building connection and intimacy.
FG: Not saying "Oh that's so sick!"
FG : Exactly
FG : And if I'm the person who wants to reveal one of my fantasies to my beloved and I'm a little nervous because I think of it as a little kinky or a little taboo—when would I introduce it……..I wouldn't want to just, in the middle of intercourse and say, right now I want you to imagine that you’re being ravaged by Goths…….
BG : No! It’s best to introduce such a fantasy before you start making love. Maybe sit on the bed or the floor facing each other, maybe touching each other’s knee – to create calming physical contact. Then you could say, “You know, there's something I want to share with you and it has to do with a fantasy that really turns me on. I'm feeling a little scared and hesitant because it's kind of a taboo subject. But it's something that gets me very excited. It’s not something I would ever do in real life, but , if it feels right for you, I’d love to use it in our lovemaking. If your partner acknowledges that he or she is ready to hear it and to hold it in a caring, non-judgemental manner, then begin to share your fantasy.
If this feels to risky or uncomfortable for you, then I advise you to test the water, so to speak, by sharing what would be one of your least taboo or kinky fantasies Actually, when I wrote my book, I did a survey about the most common sexual fantasies. Would you like to know what they are?
FG: Please!
BG: Okay. Number one was having sex in a public place where people have the possibility of being seen by others. Another was having sex with more than one or a multitude of partners. The third was having sex in a place in which there’s a risk of getting caught, so that sort of goes with number one. Another one that doesn't sound terribly daring to me, but it was among the top five, was having sex out in nature or some other appealing setting.
Another very common fantasy is being sexually taken, possessed or dominated, or, conversely, being in complete sexual control of a partner. (Of course it’s the basis of S&M and B&D in which partners actually role play such power dynamics. Yet, even among lovers who don’t actually use whips, paddles, ropes, etc., there are many who use verbal expressions of dominance and surrender. I devoted an entire chapter of my book to this subject.
Those are the most common. And then there are the less common fantasies, lower on the list., which are the to probably reveal later, after you learn to build that emotional safety net of trust and compassion that I just shared..
FG: That's a great idea, to start with the fantasies that are more common. Thank you for letting us know what they are, so there’s a good chance that our beloved may also share them or find them, as you said, less shocking, or less frightening. And I like your idea of talking about it outside the bedroom. And lettng your beloved know, “These are the kinds of fantasies I might want to share, I might want to share a fantasy about multiple partners, I might want to share a fantasy about being tied up or being taken while we're making love, “how does that sound?” or “what would be delicious to you?” Then I've prepped it for the next time we're in bed.
This is similar to something that my beloved and I would do, which is storytelling, where sometimes I'd say, “Do you want to hear a story?” and I would be stroking his body and would be caressing his phallus, and then I would say, "Once upon a time, there was a handsome man with wonderful eyes" and I would kind of describe him, "who was walking through the woods when he saw a tree that looked like a woman, and the areola of the nipple was the circle of the tree and her limbs were brown". And then I would tell this whole story and how he would come to this woman who was a tree and he would feel the green energy and the scent of her nature enfolding him, and while I was stroking him, and…..--is that a form of sharing things?
BG : Absolutely! I call that “become an erotic troubadour”. I even tell people if you're going to either read an erotic story or erotic poetry, to caress your partner while you're doing it, or have your partner caress you, because if your partner is touching you, it will put you into that very sensual mood and it will come through your voice and make your voice even more exciting to your partner.
Iif my partner is an artist or an art lover, I use one like "if I were an artist and you were my canvas, I'd use a very fine delicate brush to paint golden ripples around your soft, supple flesh like this," or, "I’m slowly painting bright orange and black tiger stripes along your magnificent phallus like this..." [laughs] So you can tailor it to the talents and interests of your partner.
FG: Oooh, that sounds very fun and very delicious!
BG : Another fun fantasy is if you reverse gender roles and you, the woman now plays the man and vice versa. You make love to him all thrusting and he makes love to you all yielding and opening, and you get to experience what that would feel like.
FG : Oh, you’re giving us some great ideas, Bonnie, I love this, I can hardly wait until I see my beloved the next time! [laughs].
To be continued……………………….
