In this post, we continue with the second part of the edited transcript of an interview I gave on a recent net radio program. It’s called Tantra & Kama Sutra, hosted by Francesca Gentille, Director & Founder: THE LIFEDANCE CENTER for Integrative Arts , Clinical Sexologist, Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator. If you haven’t yet read part one simply click on this link: Talk Sacred to Me, Baby – Part 1. It covers many different aspects of erotic communication, including preferred sensory modes – auditory, visual, kinesthetic, olfactory(smell) and gustatory (taste).
Francesca Gentille: Welcome back to Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra, bringing you the soul of sex. Today we are talking with Bonnie Gabriel, author of The Fine Art of Erotic Talk , the pillow talk professor , who also has an MA in counseling psychology.
Bonnie, we were just talking about some of those steps to to bring this kind of talk into a new and an ongoing relationship. Then, I want us to go a little deeper into that list that you gave us in the beginning about sensual feedback, erotic nurturing, erotic fantasy, erotic power play, erotic devotion and communing. Could you give us some more of your great advice.
Bonnie Gabriel: Absolutely. For people who are just beginning to date, even in the early stages of dating, there are ways to sensualize your conversation to start to create a sense of connection and stir the erotic energy between both of you. There are two steps to it–one of them has to do with validation and appreciation, but it’s the expression of that appreciation that makes a difference.
For example, if you really think your partner has beautiful eyes or beautiful hair, the typical thing you’d probably say is “oh you have gorgeous eyes.” Well, if you want to make it more personal, instead of saying “You have gorgeous eyes,” you say “I love your eyes,” because when you use the I word, it’s opening up your heart chakra and inviting a closer connection with this potential new lover.
And, once you feel comfortable and connected, you can intensify this energetic connection by letting him or her know how this attractive quality affects you. So instead of “I love your eyes” you might say, “When you look at me like that, I just melt.” So again, letting them know how they impact you personally is very important.
You can also sensualize your attraction, by using words that invoke sensory stimulation. For example - using the sense of smell –The usual comment to a nice smelling cologne might me, “Mmm, that’s a great perfume”. To personalize it you would say, “I love your perfume, but to sensualize it – you’d use a word alluding to the sense being stimulated and say something like “Mmm, I love your scent, I could breathe you in like this all night”..
FG : I really love that there’s such a difference. As you’re saying each one, it’s a deeper and deeper level of the sensual and the erotic, and I imagine, that once in a relationship, we can go even deeper and say, “when I breathe your scent, my labia gets wet.”
BG: Absolutely! “I get all wet when you……you can let them know just how powerful that impact is on you. And even if you’re out on the dance floor— you can replace the typical “you’re a great dancer” with the more personal” “I love the way you dance,” or the more sensual “I love the way that I feel in your arms” or, “I get so hot when you hold me like that.” So you can use this sexy sensual approach even in public.
FG: Woo hoo! Although these are raging generalities, in general, men like to hear more of the graphic, sexual erotics. So if I were to say “When you look at me like that, my nipples get hard and my labia lips get wet and I can hardly wait to go home and rip off your clothes”, that my beloved might really enjoy hearing that,.it would really excite him. But I might enjoy hearing “When you look at me like that, my heart opens and I just feel like I’m with the woman I was always meant to be with , the woman I’ve always dreamed of.”
I’d imagine many women are like me, they want to hear from their man what it is that opens his heart, what it is that inspires his love, while a man often wants to hear what opens our erotic nature, what inspires us to be sexual.
BG: That’s such a good point, I’m so glad you said that. It’s certainly true in my experience also. So I think we need to really let our partner know that and have them let us know what turns them on, respecting that there are differences there and honoring them. And if we can give to each other in the way that each of us needs to be given to, that’s very important.
FG: Yes, that’s true. And when I said that they are generalities, I think it’s important to be aware that there are exceptions. There certainly are women who like to hear more graphic terms, “when I look at you like that, my penis gets hard or my cock just swells.” There are some women who would love to hear that and some who wouldn’t.
BG : Well, you know, for many women, and for me, too, it depends on how aroused you are. If you’re feeling just a little bit romantic and your sexual juices aren’t quite flowing yet, then I think most women like to hear words expressing more of the heart energy. Once that arousal is really high, then we may enjoy hearing the more graphic. So I think it depends on that continuum.
FG: You bring up a good point. You know this all relates to tantra, because in tantra, it’s believed that the man’s sexual energy starts in the genitalia; it starts in the phallus, and then it moves up to the heart. In contrast, a woman’s sexual energy starts in the heart and then moves down to her genitals. So if a man wants a woman to arouse, he would speak to her heart; he would speak to her with words of love and romance. And if a woman wants a man to feel love and connected with her, she would speak to his erotic nature.
BG: Very true. If I write a sequel to my book I’m going to include that. [laughs]
Coming soon: Talk Sacred to Me, Baby – Part 3 – including erotic fantasies, talking dirty -tailoring graphic sex talk to your partner’s preferences and sensibilities, creating erotic communion and weaving an” erotic safety net” with words.
