To start the New Year, I thought you might enjoy reading the transcript of an interview I gave on a net radio program called Tantra & Kama Sutra, hosted by Francesca Gentille, Director & Founder: THE LIFEDANCE CENTER for Integrative Arts , Clinical Sexologist, Relationship Coach, & Sacred Sexuality Educator. It covers many different aspects of erotic communication, including preferred sensory modes – auditory, visual, kinesthetic (touch and movement), etc. and how to gently introduce the practice to a mostly non-verbal lover.
Francesca Gentille: Welcome to Sex, Tantra and Kama Sutra. I’m your host, Francesca Gentille, and with me today is Bonnie Gabriel. Bonnie is a writer, a professional speaker, a lecturer best known for “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice and Enchant your Lover with Words.” She’s been inspiring audiences for over fifteen years, and I am very excited to have her with us today to share her sex talk secrets.
FG: Bonnie, I first want to get to the heart and spirit of sacred sex talk, but I think before we get there, we need to talk a little bit about what erotic talk is and how do we even start, so could you let us know about that?
BG: Absolutely. Erotic talk is any verbal expression of passion or love, and it combines the most raunchy, lusty expressions; we call that “talking dirty,” but that’s only a very small part of a much more vast array. I sort of liken it to the keys on the piano—we may think of our lusty feelings as the bass notes, and the more spiritual, reverent sensations as part of the higher, treble clefs. But in between, we have miriad ways of talking erotically. In fact, I wrote a manual, “Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac,” where I offer a daily dose of sensual suggestions and erotic inspirations, covering all the different varieties and shades of erotic talk. For instance, you can express appreciation and validation of your partners lovemaking erotically, you can give sensual feedback on how he or she makes you feel, you can even erotically nurture your partner - which I think is really important and sometimes overlooked. There’s erotic fantasy and role playing, erotic power play, exchanging energies of dominance and surrender, and, of course, erotic devotion and communion. So they’re all, important parts of our sexual natures, worthy of expression.
FG: : I want to talk about it all, but first, for many of us, talking in bed can be a little bit difficult, sometimes even making a sound is difficult. So how does someone not experienced in such expression get started?
BG: : Well, I always say start gently. [laughs] When I was teaching many workshops and classes on this subject, I would often have students who said they were experiencing performance anxiety because their partner suddenly said to them, “Talk dirty to me, baby”. They would freeze and become speechless because they were inexperienced, and felt inadequate. But even more, to talk authentically in a lusty manner you have to be really turned on. Otherwise, you’re faking it; you’re acting to please your partner. Such inauthentic action only cuts you off from your own inner truth and disconnects you from your partner.
So I say, rather than going for something advanced, like “talking dirty”, start really gently. For example, you can try something which I call “erotic questioning” which is stroking your partner in either two different parts of his or her body, or in two different ways, – maybe with light touch and then with firmer pressure, then asking her, “which feels better…….. this……. or this?”. That is so much easier to do than having to start to talk in a raunchy, lusty fashion.
Also erotic questioning is a very useful and effective method because 1), it lets your partner know you’re interested in fine tuning your love making so that you give him the greatest pleasure, 2) you get feedback from your partner and learn how to love her in ways that are particularly exciting for her, and 3) it’s so much easier to ask a question than to try to express what’s going on inside you, at the beginning..
Another easy way to introduce erotic talk into lovemaking is a process I call “erotic feedback.” If you are the recipient of your partner’s lovemaking, it’s helpful to let them know what gives you special pleasure, by saying things like, “oh, when you touch me right there, that feels so good” or “the pressure right now is just perfect,” or “I love the way you’re making me feel.” Again, that’s gentle and it’s easy and it moves you slowly into the deeper forms of verbal erotica.
FG: Hmmm, that does sound good. That little “hmmm” I just did is an example too, we don’t need a whole paragraph, “oh it feels so nice when you touch me on my left nipple and circle it slowly”–sometimes feedback can just be “mmm, that’s good…” [laughs]
BG: Exactly, just a little moan helps.
FG: You and I are people who especially love to hear words. Though we may enjoy all aspects of lovemaking, we still all have our preferred modes. I know that there are sensual people, who really like all kinds of touch. There are energy people who tune into the sexual tension and energy play in lovemaking. There are people who love the smells, people who love the tastes, and there are some people who, like you and me, are aural – loving words and sounds.
BG: And there are people who are mostly visual, who get particularly turned on by looking at and watching their partner as they make love. Also, people who are particularly sensitive to touch, are often also highly kinesthetic (sensitive to movement.) So they become easily aroused by the way their partner moves his or her body.
FG: If there is someone in our audience who is aural, but who has a partner who does not currently express his or her sexual feelings in words and sounds, how can they support or encourage them to do so in a really loving way?.
Bonnie Gabriel: I think if I were with a partner who was a non-verbal lover, I would begin by letting him know what I already love about his lovemaking – validating him first. Doing so, helps to create a safe space, so that he doesn’t begin to feel defensive or inadequate, when I then ask him to do something he may find uncomfortable.
If I know my partner is very visual, I might then say, ” I love what you’re doing, right now - and you know what would make me feel even wilder - is if you could gently tell me as you look at me what turns you on” or “as you look at me, what about my body is turning you on right now?”
Or if he were more kinesthetic, and into movement, I might ask him to notice how I’m moving my body and tell me what he loves about it. Similarly, if you have a partner who is into smell or taste, you can query him or her about those aspects of your lovemaking.
FG: I want to talk more about some of the different ways that we can inspire our partners to speak to us, after we come back from the break.
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Coming soon: Talk Sacred to Me Baby, Part 2.
Topics covered include – sensual talk and dating, sharing erotic fantasies, intermingling heart and genital energies, erotic communion, and more.
