Erotic Appreciation

by bonnie on November 14, 2009

With Thanksgiving drawing near, I believe this would be a good time to discuss the role of gratitude, validation and appreciation in the art of lovemaking.

Sadly, I’ve found that this is one of the most neglected forms of erotic expression, yet one that many of us yearn for. In the workshops I’ve presented and attended over the years, I’ve come to realize that so very many of us carry the scars of growing up in homes in which we felt criticized, judged, invalidated or overlooked. So we internalize a sense of “not being good enough”. What’s more, our culture, with its narrow, idealized standards of beauty and its cult of youth and fear of aging add to this sense of inadequacy. Even men and women who appear to be exceptionally good-looking often carry deep insecurities about their attractiveness to others.

So words that validate our partner’s attractiveness and value to us as a lover, are not only arousing, but healing as well. What’s more, as I say in my book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk,  “When there is a genuine exchange of the special, irreplaceable qualities we bring to each other, it can deepen our ability to trust and open to a more profound and satisfying sexual experience.”

There are many ways to bring appreciation into your romantic and sexual connection with your lover. If at first you find it easier to focus on your partner’s physical attributes that’s fine. In that context you might say something like, “I really appreciate the softness of your skin, the smell of your hair, the delicious way you taste.”

You may then begin to notice in what ways your partner’s lovemaking style particularly pleases you. “You make me feel so hot and sexy when you do that.” Or “Your sense of timing is exquisite; you take my breath away ! Or if it’s simply a general, overall feeling of immense pleasure, you might say, “Thank you for loving every inch of my body so tenderly.”

Next, you may ask yourself, What are the unique or irreplaceable qualities about your lover? Perhaps you have a partner with a vivid imagination who thrills you with his wild fantasies or one who tunes into your sexual energy so well that lovemaking becomes an easy, ecstatic dance. Tell your partner so. “I treasure your wild, imaginative mind, especially when we make love.” ‘I’m so glad you’re so attuned to my body; I’m lucky to have you as a lover.” And, one of my favorites, which happens to be a song lyric: “Nobody does it better. Baby, you’re the best!”

If you’d like more ideas on appreciative words and phrases to use with your lover, then check out my manual, Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac: Sensual Suggestions and Romantic Enticements.

May you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with gustatory and sensual delights to nourish your body, heart and spirit.

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